Thoughts on the MTV Video Music Awards

Maybe the terrorists should win after all.

Whose house? OUR HOUSE!

I am currently in the process of finding a link to Nike's newest football commercial, but the first time I saw it I literally got goosebumps. It is that good. EDIT: To view the commercial, go to www.nikegridiron.com, let the site load, and then click on "Watch the exclusive 'I Promise' spot" in the lower left-hand corner of the image.

The spot doesn't even feature any people on screen. It's just a series of black-and-white photos - a high school football field in Florida, the inside of a locker room, a pile of shoulderpads, a weight room - with the sound from typical workout and pregame locker-room rituals dubbed over it. The speed of the images and the intensity of the background noise builds until the end, when you hear about seventy male voices being led by one: "Whose house?" "OUR HOUSE!" before the typical blank screen with the swoosh and "Just do it." I know it sounds cheesy, but when you're watching it it's ungodly good.

For all their hypey Michael Vick shit, Nike has been the absolute untouchable king of the advertising world for years, and people hate them for it. Advertising is cutthroat. But really, is it that difficult to be good? Nike's ads have consistently proven that they are willing to put just a little more effort into something that pays off HUGE. An ad like their most recent football spot requires just that minimal expenditure of effort in the concept development department, and it's probably going to win all kinds of awards and stick with people a hell of a lot more than their competitors' ideas, which all seem to be "Let's throw money at a young marquee athlete and just show him dunking on someone in our shoes." Nike learned a long time ago that great commercials don't have to be expensive or ostentatious, and that, for the most part, the simpler the better.

The problem with TV spots is that to succeed, companies only need to put something out there that's marginally less terrible than their competitors' efforts. The most important thing is omnipresence, not quality - planting that seed in the consumer's brain so that even if they don't need it now, they might remember it when they do need something. I'm no marketing expert, but if you can inject that want into the consumer via advertising that's funny or artistic instead of lame and derivative, my TV-viewing ass is going to remember it a lot more easily when the time comes.

There are only three possible good outcomes for a commercial: be funny, be memorable, or be inspiring. There are good examples of ad campaigns that aren't particularly ostentatious, but are actually transcendent in how simple they are: Absolut vodka, for example, has basically given a borderline-shitty vodka worldwide recognition with an outstanding marketing campaign. The idea doesn't try too hard, but Absolut has built a really clean, simple iconography that they can put EVERYWHERE, particularly in print ads.

Maybe I take commercials more seriously than most people, but it pisses me off to see a terrible ad. Seriously, if an ad strikes me as particularly bad, I'll actually remember to avoid buying that product. Really, how hard is it to write something that will stick with people, even if it irritates them? This is part of why I want to get into advertising. Although of course, I never will, since you can be damn sure that everything innovative that has ever appeared on television has been fought tooth and nail since its conception by the people who run the industry. And I'm far too lazy to do anything about it.

Job Interview

Hey, it's great to meet you! How do you like Boston so far? Great!

I'm going to be honest - your resume is really impressive! I hear Stanford is a great school! I went to Saugus College - you've probably never heard of it, it's right down the road - and majored in Bong Sniffing. But I made it to management in only twelve years, so things turned out OK! It just proves to you, someone with ambition really can do great things! Maybe if you put your mind to it, eventually you can do the same! Just think, you could be making 50 grand in just ten short years!

Here at Company X, we can really use the sort of high-level research and writing skills you developed in college! We'll do that by making you seal envelopes and cold-call potential clients! That perfect verbal on the SAT will go to great lengths when you're convincing 70-year-old women to update their Verizon plans or switch credit cards! And you can use that creativity your references raved about to come up with new and innovative ways to stack your manager's business cards!

You're also obviously a good writer, as I can see from the type of publications your work has appeared in and the awards you've won! I noticed your resume said you'd like to develop those writing skills, which is why - get this - you might get the opportunity to spend some time here writing! Writing schedules, that is. For our account executives! I noticed your handwriting is exceptionally neat - that's good to know!

I'm going to be honest - I really think you have the tools to succeed here! I can see that fire in you! That's good, because that fire will keep you warm when you're working alone in the office on nights and weekends!

You also expressed an interest in working in a sports-related environment, and that's exactly what we do here! I'm going to be honest, though - we don't work directly with any professional sports teams, or colleges, or advertise with them, or watch them on TV in the office. So how is it a "sports-related environment," you ask? Our office is remarkably similar to a high-level sports team - there's constant infighting and we employ a bunch of douchebags who get more respect than they deserve! Just like in sports, this is the place where your Competitive Drive to Succeed and Go-Getter Attitude will make you Rise to the Top! And speaking of competitive, you'll love our commission-based sales positions, where you'll spend hours slaving away to outpace your co-workers! Hope you like cold calls! And as an extra bonus, we'll fire the last week's lowest performer every Wednesday!

But anyway - and again, I'm going to be honest - I'm just not sure we can use someone of your skills here! You're just too talented! Really, it's our loss, not yours! I'm going to be honest - we're looking for someone who has at least a year of experience doing our brand of menial bitch work, even if the job requires no skill whatsoever and could be taught to a monkey with a two-day power course. Still, you should really consider an unpaid internship to learn the ropes! Almost half of our six-month unpaid bitch work internships lead to full-time bitch work positions!

But if you don't end up here, I can hook you up with the names of a couple of other firms you might look into! In fact, one of my close friends is an account executive at Company Y! I'll put in a good word for you with her! I'm going to be honest - she probably won't call you back and it's unlikely that she'll have any positions open, but I think they may have an unpaid internship spot for you! You should give her a call!

It was great meeting you! Don't get discouraged, though - I'm sure you'll find a great position in Boston! Maybe eventually you can work your way up to a spot here!

Have a great day!

ALERT

I successfully managed to move to Boston, and I found a place right across the street from Tufts University near Davis Square. This is a great development, because I live right down the street from some of the best bars in the city, and some combination of my roommates and the landlord provide 1) a fridge constantly stocked with beer, 2) free utilities and 3) two big-screen TVs next to one another, both with expanded-package cable plans. Right now I'm watching Seinfeld and Arrested Development and using the internet at the same time.

Oh, right, I need a job.

The Definitive MLB-Simpsons Character Analogy Chart: NL Edition

Here's the second installment. I think the best part of this is that I thought of almost the entire thing in like 20 minutes, which is probably a poor reflection on what I do with my free time and my psychological makeup. Also, I'll be moving from Orange County to Boston this week, so things might be a little slow.

Atlanta Braves - Ned Flanders - The very definition of "traditional," "white-bread," and "boring." Quietly keeping their affairs in perfect order, but they always end up as the butt of the joke. Spurred to success by a horde of Bible-thumpers. Made a living out of left-handedness in the '90s.

Florida Marlins - Snake - Riding high for a while, publicly executed, and then somehow cheated death to escape and rise again. Important players in cities known for their rampant drug and crime problems. They seem to be in trouble a lot, but never really go away. Almost lost something of great value to a much wealthier, more prestigious individual, but hung onto it in the end (stealing his girlfriend back from Mr. Burns, 2003 World Series).

Philadelphia Phillies - Milhouse Van Houten - Lack of adequate vision (blind without his glasses, hanging on to Jim Thome). Perpetual sidekick to a more successful leader who constantly takes advantage of their weaknesses. Striving for a goal (Lisa's affection, the playoffs) that looks unattainable in their current state, and nobody really takes them seriously.

New York Mets - Krusty the Klown - Close ties to Judaism. Ongoing love-hate relationship with their audiences, and they have a tendency to lend their names to bad products (Krusty Brand Non-Narkotik Kough Syrup, Jose Offerman). Have had some substance-abuse problems in the past that they would prefer to keep out of the public eye (chain-smoking, Darryl Strawberry/Doc Gooden).

Washington Nationals - Sideshow Bob Terwilliger - Repeatedly given second chances, and could never hold on to what was good for them (staying out of prison, Pedro Martinez/Randy Johnson/Gary Carter/Larry Walker/Moises Alou...). Handled incompetently by a governing body. Forever the second banana to flashier counterparts. Doomed to have victory snatched from their grasp even when it seems closest (plans being foiled, the strike season).

St. Louis Cardinals - Jebediah Springfield - One of the elder statesmen of the group. Great historic importance. Possessors of a silver tongue (prosthetic silver tongue, Jack Buck) and a saccharine, over-commercialized reputation for family-friendliness. Bit of a problem with suppressed history (actually a pirate named Hans Sprungfeld, rampant racism in the '50s).

Houston Astros - Marge Simpson - Their fortunes rise and fall with those of a guy who has put together an unbelievable string of successes despite obviously being an inveterate jerk. Seemingly infinite reservoir of patience for someone who has proven themselves to be not worth hanging on to (Homer, Brad Ausmus).

Cincinnati Reds - Principal Seymour Skinner - Spent much of their existence under the hand of domineering, insane women who were impossible to please (Agnes Skinner, Marge Schott). Possessors of a dirty little secret that they would rather sweep under the rug (Skinner's true identity of Armand Tamzarian, Pete Rose). Their lives were given meaning in the '70s (Vietnam, the Big Red Machine) but now all they have to escape the monotony of their everyday existence is the flashbacks.

Milwaukee Brewers - Barry "Duffman" Duffman - Closely related to beer. More of a laughingstock than a legitimate presence. Employed by a guy who is constantly thinking up ill-conceived schemes to get people to throw money at an inferior product (Augustus P. Duff, Bud Selig).

Pittsburgh Pirates - Captain Horatio McAllister - Obvious relationship to the sea, but unfortunate things happen when they venture into international waters (resorting to homosexuality, the Roberto Clemente disaster).

Chicago Cubs - Moe Syzslak - Unloved but by a select few patrons, whom they have a tendency to betray from time to time. Even their closest friends acknowledge their loser status, and outsiders love to laugh at their failures. Constantly subject to self-doubt, and always coming up with new schemes to shoot themselves in the foot. Owners of a revolving-door establishment that never sees more than one or two likable characters at a time.

San Francisco Giants - Abe "Grandpa" Simpson - Even older than you would have thought. Surrounded by other decrepit crones, and they have a tendency to live in the past. Completely dependent on a big lug of questionable morals who, curiously, never seems to get any older.

San Diego Padres - Dr. Julius Hibbert - Sported a parade of laughable fashions in the past. A little shaky at what they do, but they look stellar given the alternatives in the region (Dr. Nick, the rest of the NL West). Bizarre tendency to lose their composure at inappropriate moments.

Los Angeles Dodgers - Disco Stu - Overconfident and forever predicting the return of their glory days. Brought up by devoted fans more often than is probably reasonable, considering their sporadic appearances. Haven't been relevant since the '80s.

Arizona Diamondbacks - Inanimate Carbon Rod - Inexplicably shot to prominence after an unbelievable rescue (sealing the Space Shuttle during re-entry, 2001 season). Hit the covers of every major magazine as heroes, and then faded back into obscurity almost as quickly as they arrived.

Colorado Rockies - Cletus Delroy, the Slack-Jawed Yokel - Will always have to compensate for where they came from to succeed, something they will probably never accomplish. Always accompanied by a ton of anonymous kids whose names you can't remember.

The Definitive MLB-Simpsons Character Analogy Chart: AL Edition

New York Yankees - C. Montgomery Burns - Driven to success by an almost unimaginable wealth of resources, which they use to ruthlessly crush their enemies, although typically not by the most efficient means possible (blocking out the sun, Bernie Williams). Seemingly unaware of the (obvious) reasons why they are hated. They seem to have been a key actor in pretty much everything important that happened before 1970.

Boston Red Sox - Lisa Simpson - Beloved by almost all. Used to being overlooked and trod upon, so that when they finally get a day in the sun, they don't really know what to do with it. Unfortunate tendency to get a little self-righteous. Antagonistic relationship with those in positions of power.

Toronto Blue Jays - Bumblebee Man - Comic relief from the other side of the border. Inexplicably, they tend to get a lot of success out of recycled material (sight gags, Shea Hillenbrand) that wouldn't work anywhere else.

Baltimore Orioles - Maggie Simpson - Never says or does much of anything, but constantly brought up in discussions by virtue of their close associates. Stubbornly hanging onto something disgusting despite other people's well-meaning efforts to take it away (pacifier, Sidney Ponson).

Tampa Bay Devil Rays - Hans Moleman - Whenever they're on TV, you can virtually guarantee that they're hopelessly overmatched and that something bad is going to happen to them. You could start feeling bad for them, but then you remember that you don't care.

Minnesota Twins - Santa's Little Helper - Scrappy and quick; comprised mostly of parts that were rescued from a terrible existence elsewhere. Trapped indoors most of the time. Series of poorly timed medical problems (canine gastroplexy, Torii Hunter's ankle). Abused by an incredibly old, very wealthy man who is the definition of greed and selfishness (Mr. Burns, Carl Pohlad). Nearly abandoned by their families (Bart gave him away; the near-contraction).

Chicago White Sox - Edna Krabappel - Betrayed by those closest to them somewhere in the distant past (Edna's husband leaving her, the Black Sox), leaving them bitter and jaded. Conditioned to be cynical after having been stabbed in the back so many times (the White Flag Trade of '97, the strike season).

Detroit Tigers - Lionel Hutz - They often dumpster-dive for sustenance. Earn their living by attracting the attention of criminals and vagrants (criminals and vagrants, the city of Detroit).

Cleveland Indians - Apu Nahasapeemapetilon - Identity entirely based on a ridiculous stereotype of Indians. Jovial ongoing relationship with a big fat guy who underperforms a lot (Homer, C.C. Sabathia). Soldiering on gamely despite a terrible workplace environment (the Kwik-E-Mart, Cleveland). Used to play a much bigger role in the grand scheme of things, but now they make only occasional appearances, and they're usually getting abused.

Kansas City Royals - Gil the Salesman - Forever facing an uphill battle to be competitive. Their failures tend to be more sad than comical. Others are just glad they're not them.


Los Angeles Angels - Troy McClure - You may remember them from one particular film in the past, although before (and since) then they've had some forgettable performances. An expensive facade covers a dark, vulnerable underbelly (McClure's fish fetish, shaky starting pitching). Loving the spotlight, but may not handle all the attention well. Won't ever be the top dog in Hollywood.

Oakland A's - Bart Simpson - Reliable bad-boy winners who march to the beat of their own drum. Locked in a constant struggle against the overbearing establishment. Every time you think they're going to get what's coming to them, they weasel out of it and surprise you again.

Seattle Mariners - Barney Gumble - Struggling against their personal demons. Just when you thought they were going to clean themselves up and they were looking bulletproof, they suffered an unfortunate relapse.

Texas Rangers - Col. Antoine "Tex" O'Hara (Fat Oil Magnate) - Distinctly Texan. Prone to making ill-advised business decisions that never turn out well (purchasing the World's Fattest Racehorse, trading Sammy Sosa for Harold Baines and Fred Manrique).