The Sweet Sixteen: Now You Know (and Knowing is Half the Battle)

1) UConn – A much stronger showing in the second round after nearly becoming a historical statistic in their first-round game against Albany. Fun Fact: Opponents generally prepare for the trip to Storrs by practicing at the only comparably boring location in the universe – the vast desert wastelands of the planet Tatooine.
2) Villanova – Gritty performance against a tough Arizona team, which inexplicably decided to start playing well after sleepwalking through the Pac-10 season. Fun Fact: Billy Packer just picked Boston College to beat them, so that's a good sign for the Wildcats.
3) Duke – Mixed things up nicely in the second round with a big performance from Josh McRoberts. Still, it will be interesting to see if freshman point guard Greg Paulus can hang once the Devils are really tested. Fun Fact: Scouts are more and more impressed with J.J. Redick every day – he's now projected to spend almost three full years in the NBA before fulfilling his destiny to become MVP of the Greek National Basketball League. However, the Blue Devils will have to get by without All-American center Shelden Williams, who was confiscated by government paleontologists after proof emerged that he is the world's only surviving brontosaurus.
4) Memphis – Still the only #1 seed that hasn't faced a serious challenge, after destroying an overmatched Bucknell team – and they still won't, since the only thing standing between them and the Elite 8 is Bradley. Fun Fact: The broadcast of the Tigers' first-round game was blacked out in Tennessee, due to the fact that the state forbids all use of the word "Oral."
5) Florida – Dominant in their first two games, winning each by over 20 points; probably the easiest remaining path to the Final Four of any non-#1 seed. Fun Fact: The Gators are a source of inspiration for the beleaguered city of Gainesville, which has been struggling to contain the genital herpes outbreak that has been ravaging the city since 1988.
6) UCLA – Coach Ben Howland after the Bruins beat Alabama despite going 5 for 13 from the free throw line: "To have everything go against us and still win, it's a testament to the kids." Not sure clanking your free throws somehow speaks volumes about character, but whatever. Fun Fact: ESPN's next project is a reality show following former UCLA star Bill Walton as he travels with the current team. Don't miss the first episode this Thursday, entitled "Random Drug Test: Urine Deep Trouble Now, Jordan Farmar."
7) Washington – Doing their part to combat the "soft" label that the Pac-10 has dealt with for years after gutting out a tough win over Illinois. UConn is up next, though, so we'll see if it sticks. Fun Fact: The Huskies' basketball team has been a real rock of stability for a campus grieving the tragic loss of its football program, which has been missing since approximately 2004.
8) West Virginia – Haven't really risen to their scoring potential yet, but they haven't had a scare yet either. Fun Fact: West Virginia's athletic department is sorry to announce that the Mountaineers will not be finishing the tournament this year, as all five starters were killed when center Andrew Pittsnogle's trailer-park meth lab exploded.
9) Gonzaga – Barely scraped by Xavier in the first round, but against Indiana they proved they can win even if Adam Morrison is having an off night. Fun Fact: Morrison's "mustache" is actually the result of a lost wager to teammate J.P. Batista. According to the contract, the winner "gets to wear jersey #13," and the loser "must do everything within his power to look like a 14-year-old Mexican street child."
10) Boston College – For the most part unimpressive to this point. Pacific should have won that first-round game about three different times, which resulted in the most painful gambling situation ever: when a big underdog ties the game to send it to OT, and then collapses so badly that it fails to cover the spread. Fun Fact: Everyone in Boston really wants the Eagles to win, and the media are in love with them. You know how this will end.
11) Georgetown – Balance: the Hoyas beat Ohio State by 18 points in a game where only four of their players scored. That's strong bench play right there, folks. Fun Fact: The nickname "Hoyas" comes from the mixed Greek and Latin chant "Hoia Saxa," meaning "What Rocks," in reference to the Georgetown football team's strong defense and the stone wall that surrounds the campus. I don't really have a comment here; just know that Georgetown's nickname literally translates to the "Whats."
12) Texas – Strong showing against NC State. Hopefully next week they'll get the chance to avenge their early-season loss to Duke, when they came in ranked #2 in the nation and left checking their colon for tears. Fun Fact: No team has ever won the NCAA basketball and football titles in the same season. This year probably won't change that unless Mike Krzyzewski suddenly hires Pete Carroll as a defensive consultant.
13) LSU – May not have a lot in the tank after an exhausting victory over Texas A&M, especially now that they have to face Duke. Fun Fact: Tigers forward Glen Davis, who runs 6'9", 310, is nicknamed "Big Baby" – not because of his physique, but because of his curious superstition of demanding to be breastfed before every game.
14) Wichita State – They can hardly be considered a Cinderella, considering they had to face wildly overrated Tennessee and culturally sensitive comedian/head coach Bruce Pearl in the second round. Pearl, on SportsCenter's "All Access" on Thursday: "Look, free bacon: it's a Jewish dilemma." He'll be here all week, ladies and gentlemen. Fun Fact: The Shockers actually qualified for the tournament last year, but their bid was denied after a lengthy legal battle started when the American Family Association lodged a protest against their presence on the basis of their nickname.
15) George Mason – More than justified its at-large berth with the win over Michigan State and UNC – two teams that were considered serious Final Four contenders. Fun Fact: George Mason, who was born in 1725 in Virginia, was one of the driving forces behind the creation of the Bill of Rights. In his honor, each year the Patriots hold a "Second Amendment Night," when fans are encouraged to bring their guns into the arena.
16) Bradley – Just to clarify: Missouri Valley Conference representatives in the Sweet 16: 2. Big Ten representatives: 0, following Ohio State's pounding on Sunday. Fun Fact: Prior to the tournament you may not have even known what state Bradley was in, and now that they're in the Sweet 16 you still probably don't.

And a couple more Fun Facts on eliminated teams, just for the hell of it:
Pacific – Pacific is located in Stockton, CA, which is about two hours' drive from the ocean. Misguided recruits can fill the time they would have otherwise spent at the beach by farming raisins or participating in one of Stockton's most popular local activity: Mexican gang wars.
Nevada – Closed-minded outsiders often object that "prostitution" is one of UN's most popular majors – often without knowing that the University of Nevada was actually founded by prostitutes.
Winthrop – The Eagles were granted an automatic bid after edging Percy University to win the "Names You Would Give Your Son If You Wanted Him To Become Gay" Conference.
Air Force – The Academy's location in Colorado Springs (7,258 feet above sea level) gives acclimated cadets a distinct advantage over other athletes from lower altitudes. This means the Falcons won't succumb to fatigue even during a long game, and it really gives that last set of hazing-related paddlings an extra "oomph."
Oral Roberts – ORU last made the tournament in 2004, after university founder Roberts announced that God spoke directly to him and told him that if the Eagles didn't qualify, He would strike Roberts dead. Their surprising recent run of success may have something to do with ORU's reluctant decision to admit black students in 2002.
California – Cal basketball's resurgence has led to an impressive increase in the Golden Bears' fan club, making it the third-most popular on-campus group after the Lesbian Marxo-Nudist People's Action Committee and homeless people.

A Rookie's Guide to Spring Training

Dear _________:

Spring training is a confusing and hectic time. For most of you this will be the first time that you'll be thrust into the high-pressure environment of sports superstardom, being constantly hounded by sportswriters, who want nothing more than to fairly report your every move to the public. You will brush aside armies of awe-struck children clamoring for your autograph, and you will have your pick of the hordes of validation-starved girls willing to sleep with anyone in a uniform. Nah, just kidding! You'll probably be in Wichita or Lowell by the end of the week, staying with a host family of six people and eating cold subway sandwiches twice a day.

But seriously, you have much to learn. Professional baseball is full of choices – who to select as your agent, which Hooters waitress to marry, and which combination of amphetamines and masking agents to take. Most of all, though, you'll have to learn how to deal with your veteran teammates. Luckily, you'll have a little bit of time to adjust, since most of the "superstars" like Newark, NJ's own – sorry, "Italy's" own – Dan Miceli will be on display at the World Baseball Classic.

Some of you will be in Arizona, and others in Florida. Things vary a little from region to region, so we'll start off with some basics.

If you go to Arizona:

-Bring sunscreen and a lot of Gatorade.

If you go to Florida:

-Stock up on the most protective condoms you can find, and you might even want to consider one of those latex "body condoms." In fact, it might be a good idea to swing through the CDC in Atlanta and pick up one of those biohazard suits, especially if you're on the Tampa side of the peninsula.

-If you go to a strip club, make sure to check for penises, or evidence thereof. Surgery can do unbelievable things these days, and she may look like Eva Mendes now, but less than a month ago her name was Ramon.

-Do not let your skin come into contact with any exposed surface in the greater Miami area.

I've also compiled a list of general dos and don'ts for you. Keep these in mind, because your adherence to these rules could be the difference between throwing sliders to Albert Pujols and driving a forklift.

1) At first, you'll have very little control over anything that goes on at the ballpark. For example, get used to veterans choosing your walkup music for you. If you want to be prepared, you should probably brush up on the hits of C&C Music Factory, or just spend a lot of time in a gay steel mill. Whichever's easier.

2) Golf is an important skill. It's probably the best way to ingratiate yourself with the older players, and it's much cheaper in Phoenix than in the Northeast. Plus, it's a great alternative to actually playing the last six innings of a game.

3) If you get a jersey number higher than about 50, you may as well start packing your bags, because you have about as good a chance of making the team as you do of becoming a Shaolin monk who travels around the world solving mysteries.

4) Don't get between Jim Leyland and his cigarettes under any circumstances. If it comes down to fighting Jim for a pack of Marlboro Reds and wrestling a live alligator, seriously, go with the alligator.

5) There's a certain level of respect that you should give to the veterans when they finally arrive in camp. For example, don't stare at Barry Bonds' breasts, and when meeting Roger Clemens for the first time, try not to make eye contact or provoke him in any way. If you must eat around Roger, it's best if you use a pulley to elevate your food and garbage into the trees. And finally, if you do somehow manage to antagonize him, head for the nearest tree and start climbing until help arrives.

6) If you find yourself struggling to find things to do with your evenings, track down Derek Lowe and hang out with him. I hear that guy has an awesome time. What happens in Vero Beach (or Los Angeles, or Boston, or Thailand) stays in Vero Beach, right?

7) If you happen to see Sammy Sosa hanging around your team hotel, casually asking if you know where your GM is staying, it's best to just ignore him.

8) Last, and most importantly, don't test positive for steroids, or God help me I will seriously consider thinking about maybe announcing it and suspending you to show I mean business.

Cordially,

Allen Huber Budward J. "Bud" Selig