Johnny Damon Is Gone, And I'm Okay With That

Take a deep breath in.

Now let it out, slowly.

Let's all calm down for a second and say it together: "Johnny Damon is gone, and I am okay with that, because I am not an enormous tool."

Red Sox fans should remember that Johnny Damon spent six years in Kansas City and a year in Oakland, two cities that have a comparable amount of hatred for the Yankees, and somehow he managed to leave them. It probably had something to do with the substantially larger contract he got by playing in Boston. They should also remember that for $12 million they would probably move to New York, too.

One of the irritating flaws that I see in a lot of Red Sox fans is the cult of personality that crops up around particular players, which seems to go far beyond their contributions on the field. On one hand, this is endearing, because it means even the role players are afforded a level of attention they would never get anywhere else. At the same time, though, it means that those players are automatically assumed to have an allegiance to Boston, and their every move has to be reduced into a scandal-making sound bite. It's as if Us Weekly is in charge of the information that comes out of the Sox clubhouse.

So of course, when Damon signed with the Yankees, instead of being a smart (and predictable) career move for him and an opportunity for Red Sox fans to start questioning the front office's willingness to get into a bidding war with Steinbrenner, it became the next Titanic disaster. Johnny's disloyal. Johnny sold out. Johnny eats babies.

Now, I fully appreciate the struggle to make your team's players appear to be likable guys – I root for a team that employs Barry Bonds – but you really can't expect them to share your preferences. The problem with being a professional athlete is that you lose the ability to root for someone else, because those guys you idolized from afar are now on the same plane as you. As a fan, part of the allure of seeing your team win a championship is that, for you, that victory belongs to more than just those players – it's a victory for the city, for you and your friends, and for everything that the team stands for. But when you're actually sharing in the day-to-day grind of playing pro baseball and someone else is winning, you're just watching your co-workers succeed – and often at your own expense. There's no distance between yourself and the team you grew up with.

Jumping through the hoops it takes to get to the Show is intense. A young player is surrounded by struggles at every level – glad-handing agents, politicized locker rooms, and scouts who actually recommend particular brands of steroids. Chances are he's spent a year or two on a minor league team where half of the guys were about to get cut and go get their electrician's licenses. So when he finally gets out of Amarillo or Shreveport or Des Moines and into the real world, one would expect that the fans would be pretty familiar with the fact that he's learned to look out for himself. But of course, they expect him to remain tight with one city, and to forsake all others at the expense of millions of dollars.

Honestly, if you were a professional athlete, wouldn't that sicken you? Wouldn't the constant evaluation of your "loyalty" to a particular city be a negative? This isn't a huge town. If you're on the Sox, people know where you live; they know what bars you like; they know which BU sorority you frequent. More people know which beer you prefer than the number of seats in the House of Representatives. It's almost as if just because such a huge percentage of people know someone who knows someone who has seen you at Hurricane O'Reilly's, you're a fixture here along with Sam Adams.

Let's say a young pitcher grows up in New Hampshire rooting for the Red Sox, and then he ends up getting drafted by the Dodgers and he has a long and successful career in Los Angeles. Would he like to play for the Sox to fulfill a childhood dream, all other things being equal? Probably. Is he going to put the Red Sox' interests above his own? Of course not, and if he did he would probably end up getting paid well below his market value. The desire to see the Red Sox win changes for him, because the Sox are no longer "the Sox," they're thirty-odd guys he competes against.

Jerry Seinfeld was a little extreme when he said "We don't root for people anymore – we root for laundry." Still, it seems arrogant to tell a guy who spent three years here that he's selling out an entire city. Damon was born in Kansas, and started his career with the Royals. Let's look at things from the opposite direction for a second. Wouldn't it bother you if Joe Sports Fan spent 20 years in the Midwest rooting for the Royals, and then moved here and within two years started cheering for the Sox? Wouldn't you consider his allegiance to Boston kind of a sham? So why do we expect that kind of turnaround out of our professional athletes?

Yes, it's always about the money. However, the very fact that people say that as if it's a negative is beyond me. Every day we make decisions that weigh personal values against financial consequences. Most of us, however, don't have an army of dorks second-guessing us just because other people are emotionally invested in what we do. The fact that Sox fans have had the opportunity to hang around with Johnny Damon for the past three years doesn't mean he has some obligation to them. Sox fans have no right to be outraged because Damon made a decision that was in his best interests, because they're kidding themselves if a) they think he should have ties to Boston that supersede money or b) they think they wouldn't do the same thing. Whether Damon took $12 million or $200 million to go to New York is irrelevant; he evaluated the options and did what was best for him.

There's a great joke that's both applicable to the Damon situation and a universal truth about humanity. A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a very well-dressed woman, and after a few drinks they strike up a conversation.

The man asks the woman, "Let's say I'd give you a hundred million dollars to sleep with me tonight. Would you take it?"

The well-dressed woman laughs. "Of course, but that's just a hypothetical. We both know there's no way you have a hundred million dollars."

"Okay – how about for fifty bucks?"

The woman gets angry. "Hey, what kind of person do you think I am?"

The man smiles. "Well we already know what kind of person you are – now we're just negotiating the price."

Moral of the story: Of course it's always about the money. But that doesn't mean professional athletes are loyal only to themselves.

It just means we're hypocritical jerkoffs for thinking they shouldn't be.

One Man's List: Things Women Should Know About Men

I consider myself a helpful guy. I also consider myself a regular guy. In other words, I'm not the type of person who would get interviewed by Cosmo and say something like "Guys love it when you jab your finger into their butts during sex, without warning." Conversely, I'll also try to make this a little more informative than the typical "uhhuhuhhuhhuh, guys like sex and sports and beer" column that every collegiate sex columnist has been writing since the dawn of time.

To the women: Keep in mind, this is one guy's list. However, also keep in mind that if you're listening to advice from some book like "He's Just Not That Into You" rather than mine, you're beyond help, and you should probably find the nearest plastic bag and cover your head with it. Make sure not to struggle, though, or you'll ruin the whole thing.

To the guys: Cut this column out and stick it in your girlfriend's purse. Or, you know, be a man and just tell her these things, I don't care:

1) We like long hair. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

2) No matter how much we love you, sports were there first. As such, do not interrupt us when we're watching sports, particularly during the ninth inning or the final two minutes (whichever is applicable). If a full discussion of the subject at hand can be had entirely during one commercial break, more power to you.

3) We really don't like Sex and the City, except for the occasional moment when Kim Cattrall's boobs appear on screen. Your watching it is fine, but don't make us watch it with you or make it your Bible. Granted, it's a well-written show, but many women use it as license to over-dramatize and micromanage relationships more than they already do. That guy you're dating? He's not the season finale - he's just a dude. Settle down. Not only that, IT'S FICTION. Find something other than one gay man's creation of four unrealistically wealthy single women to emulate. Chances are you're not a witty professional struggling to "make it" in a metropolitan world defined by men's expectations - you're an administrative assistant from Chelsea who laughs obnoxiously when she drinks Jaeger.

4) We like having at least one fortress of solitude - a place that still belongs exclusively to us. So don't go through our stuff. If we haven't given you a (real) reason not to trust us, and it's just innocent curiosity, your pressing desire to go through our drawers/wallet/glove compartment can wait until we're around. Note: Our sleeping with your friend in a dream you just had doesn't count as a real reason for anything. Other than a reason you're going to be laughed at later.

5) Even a little knowledge of sports or current events will go a long way toward breaking down our preconceived notions that you're just a (hopefully) pretty face. Believe me, if you can make just one incisive comment on a football game in front of your boyfriend's friends, they will be impressed.

6) Cats. We hate them, and not just because they poop in our houses - it's because of what they signify. As much as sackless guys will cuddle with your cats and tell you they love them, cats are bad news. Unlike dogs, which require a lot of love and commitment, cats are pretty much just emotional placeholders for real relationships that a girl isn't making elsewhere. I don't know about other guys, but for me, hearing "Yeah, I have a cat" from a woman is akin to hearing "Yeah, it's been months since my last outbreak." Bonus points if the cat has a disturbingly human name like Julia or Kenneth.

7) We will always, ALWAYS look at Internet porn. Don't be threatened, though, because it's not a sign of your inadequacy - it's more like breathing. Telling us to quit or get rid of it is only going to drive the porn under the table. When you have huge fake boobs and can take care of all our perverse sexual fantasies at a moment's notice, even when you're miles away, then we'll talk.

8) Don't ask questions when you don't want to hear the answer. This applies to many, many things: an honest evaluation of your appearance, our opinion of your friends, and our sexual histories.

9) Men are verbal communicators. If your guy wants something or something is wrong, nine times out of ten he will explicitly tell you. In the case that he doesn't tell you, leave it alone - that's his problem.

10) As an extension, men are simple. We don't like when you play the little "I'm going to wait three and a half days before I call him because that's what the book told me to do" game. Just call us when you feel like it. Too much relationship "advice" is based on carefully cultivating a particular image of yourself to a guy - acting coy, pretending you only eat salads, or preparing your appearance for two hours before you see him. Instead of trying to present an appealing facade, just be someone who actually HAS those qualities by being confident enough to be yourself. The truth is gonna come out sooner or later, and if you're trying to be something you're not any guy worth his salt is going to see it and run.

11) We hate it when you try to fix our hair or give us fashion advice. We're doing a fine job as it is.

12) We're probably not going to notice any minor improvement or decline in your appearance. We will, however, notice when you spend an hour in the bathroom getting ready to go anywhere.

13) Because the vast majority of men are weak, we will put up with a lot for sex. However, don't let the fact that one schlub will stick around through your crap make you think that you have some sort of animal magnetism. No matter how annoying you can be, there will always be a guy that desperate.

14) If you treat sex like some kind of commodity, putting an emotional "price" on it or withholding it as a penalty for some grievance, don't be surprised when we start to explore other opportunities. Welcome to Econ 101.

15) There is no such thing as an inappropriate time for you to be fondling our balls. I don't care if we're front and center at the Pope's funeral; go to town.

16) When we're talking to you, we are thinking as problem solvers. All of our conversations serve a purpose: we want to find out whatever it is that you need, address it, and then move on. Because of this, when your speech patterns wander around aimlessly like a drunk pedophile walking through the Osh Kosh b'Gosh store, we lose focus. It's almost like an SAT reading comprehension passage: we only pick up on key words. Examples of these key words: "blowjob," "standings," "Pabst," "threesome," "stitches," and "pregnant."

17) We all truly believe we were destined to become professional athletes. In some part of our brain, we expect to pick up our cell phones to hear Bill Belichick asking us to play strong safety against the Bucs next weekend. Please, humor us.