The Worst IM Profile Quotes

1) "Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you'll end up in the stars!"
This is just a roundabout way of saying "Chase your dream, no matter how far-fetched or unrealistic it is." That works out great for all those aspiring actresses and professional athletes who don't make it. I guess slanging insurance or starring in gangbang donkey porno qualifies as ending up in the stars now. But don't worry, I'm sure your dream was to be a 28-year-old receptionist.

2) "I'm in love with life!"
People who say this (who am I kidding, girls who say this) are about as likely to shit out a meteorite as they are to accomplish anything meaningful in life. If I was Life and you said this to me, I probably wouldn't be too happy with our relationship, considering it usually consists of you drinking and haphazardly attending community college classes. If you've ever said this, maybe you and life should consider breaking up.

3) "One day you'll wake up and realize just how much you love her... and that same day she'll be waking up next to the man who already knew."
This one is great because it operates under the assumption that every man is secretly deeply in love with the woman he's fucking and just too scared to show it, and the woman is really an unappreciated flower just waiting to be discovered. A beautiful, drunk flower who subsists on cigarettes and late-night Del Taco runs. And really, what man wouldn't want that?

4) "Dance like no one is looking. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt."
This is good advice for people who think that being yourself is the equivalent of doing and saying everything that pops into their head. The embodiment of this life philosophy is William Hung.

5) Anything from Sex and the City or "Napoleon Dynamite"
"I am incapable of originality or even staying up to date with trends, and should immediately drink the nearest chemical solvent to save the world the frustration of dealing with me."

6) "Everything happens for a reason!"
Yes, tell that to the Katrina refugees, or the victims of female circumcision in the Sudan, or the child sex slaves in Bangkok. I'm sure it must be difficult dealing with the monumental tragedies in your 20-year-old suburban life, but at least they can draw courage from your confidence in God's great plan for the universe.

7) "Men are only on this planet because vibrators can't buy drinks!"
"Please make me feel good about myself. I will let you put it in my butt if you have even a modicum of game."

ED: I moved to the Bay Area. Cool.