Job Interview

Hey, it's great to meet you! How do you like Boston so far? Great!

I'm going to be honest - your resume is really impressive! I hear Stanford is a great school! I went to Saugus College - you've probably never heard of it, it's right down the road - and majored in Bong Sniffing. But I made it to management in only twelve years, so things turned out OK! It just proves to you, someone with ambition really can do great things! Maybe if you put your mind to it, eventually you can do the same! Just think, you could be making 50 grand in just ten short years!

Here at Company X, we can really use the sort of high-level research and writing skills you developed in college! We'll do that by making you seal envelopes and cold-call potential clients! That perfect verbal on the SAT will go to great lengths when you're convincing 70-year-old women to update their Verizon plans or switch credit cards! And you can use that creativity your references raved about to come up with new and innovative ways to stack your manager's business cards!

You're also obviously a good writer, as I can see from the type of publications your work has appeared in and the awards you've won! I noticed your resume said you'd like to develop those writing skills, which is why - get this - you might get the opportunity to spend some time here writing! Writing schedules, that is. For our account executives! I noticed your handwriting is exceptionally neat - that's good to know!

I'm going to be honest - I really think you have the tools to succeed here! I can see that fire in you! That's good, because that fire will keep you warm when you're working alone in the office on nights and weekends!

You also expressed an interest in working in a sports-related environment, and that's exactly what we do here! I'm going to be honest, though - we don't work directly with any professional sports teams, or colleges, or advertise with them, or watch them on TV in the office. So how is it a "sports-related environment," you ask? Our office is remarkably similar to a high-level sports team - there's constant infighting and we employ a bunch of douchebags who get more respect than they deserve! Just like in sports, this is the place where your Competitive Drive to Succeed and Go-Getter Attitude will make you Rise to the Top! And speaking of competitive, you'll love our commission-based sales positions, where you'll spend hours slaving away to outpace your co-workers! Hope you like cold calls! And as an extra bonus, we'll fire the last week's lowest performer every Wednesday!

But anyway - and again, I'm going to be honest - I'm just not sure we can use someone of your skills here! You're just too talented! Really, it's our loss, not yours! I'm going to be honest - we're looking for someone who has at least a year of experience doing our brand of menial bitch work, even if the job requires no skill whatsoever and could be taught to a monkey with a two-day power course. Still, you should really consider an unpaid internship to learn the ropes! Almost half of our six-month unpaid bitch work internships lead to full-time bitch work positions!

But if you don't end up here, I can hook you up with the names of a couple of other firms you might look into! In fact, one of my close friends is an account executive at Company Y! I'll put in a good word for you with her! I'm going to be honest - she probably won't call you back and it's unlikely that she'll have any positions open, but I think they may have an unpaid internship spot for you! You should give her a call!

It was great meeting you! Don't get discouraged, though - I'm sure you'll find a great position in Boston! Maybe eventually you can work your way up to a spot here!

Have a great day!