More Things I Hate
"Every time I feel bad about not updating my site, I look at yours." - Noah
Sorry this has taken so long - I really need to spend more time writing. And doing pretty much anything besides working and sleeping.
-At the gym, when someone stands next to the machine you're using and just glares at you until you ask them if they want to work in. You don't need an invitation. Just ask.
-When people send you a link to something that was new over a year ago. This just happened to me with that video of the ridiculous Christmas lights display set to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. It's in a BEER COMMERCIAL now. You have no excuse.
-Women who read Us Weekly in the airport. Seriously, you can complain about celebrities whoring themselves around and acting like idiots all you want, but the fact remains that there's a market for it. Every time you pick up that magazine you're giving some paparazzo a reason to sit outside a coffee shop at 5 in the morning.
-People who buy diamonds. De Beers runs the diamond market with a tighter fist than most drug cartels, and the "A Diamond Is Forever" campaign is one of the most successful slogans in advertising history. It was designed to prevent the existence of a secondary market for diamonds by convincing women not to resell their rings. Seriously, it's not a symbol of your everlasting love that you HAVE TO HAVE TO GET MARRIED. It's a fucking rock. Spend the money on a house, or better yet, send it to the kids in Sierra Leone.
-People who complain about the diamond industry. It's a market based on the exploitation of stupid people and the diamond producers do this extremely well. I have nothing against De Beers - they did a brilliant job of architecting one of the world's greatest marketing campaigns. You can't blame someone for selling shit people don't need as long as they'll buy it.
-Restaurants with small water glasses. I drink a lot of water, and I hate eating without drinking. If you're going to have glasses the size of Dixie cups, you better have a waiter hovering next to the table with a fresh pitcher. Better yet, just leave the pitcher on the table. Better yet, just let me drink out of a huge Mason jar full of whatever liquid I desire.
-During an NFL game, when fans boo after the result of a replay challenge goes against the home team. If you're drunk and 200 yards from the play and you saw it once in real time, who do you think is right, you or the professionally-trained official who saw about 15 different replays in slow motion?
-People who get indignant after a really good "That's what she said!" joke. That's what she said will never, ever not be funny.
-People who order really complicated drinks at the bar when they KNOW other people are waiting.
-Video games whose difficulty dramatically and arbitrarily increases for no reason (I'm looking at you, Madden).
-Milk that goes bad before the expiration date. Nothing will ruin your Sunday morning faster than taking that first delicious bite of Cocoa Puffs and then realizing that a dairy farm burned down inside your mouth.
-Polite laughter. 95% of things that people say that are intended to be funny are not, so let's not encourage them.
-People who send obscure questions to the e-mail list of the entire department AND THEN NOTIFY THE LIST THAT THE QUESTION HAS BEEN ANSWERED.
-People who can't do anything fun without drinking. I am a borderline alcoholic and I STILL don't need to drink to have fun at, say, an amusement park. Also, people who HAVE to be the drunkest person at the party.
Sorry this has taken so long - I really need to spend more time writing. And doing pretty much anything besides working and sleeping.
-At the gym, when someone stands next to the machine you're using and just glares at you until you ask them if they want to work in. You don't need an invitation. Just ask.
-When people send you a link to something that was new over a year ago. This just happened to me with that video of the ridiculous Christmas lights display set to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. It's in a BEER COMMERCIAL now. You have no excuse.
-Women who read Us Weekly in the airport. Seriously, you can complain about celebrities whoring themselves around and acting like idiots all you want, but the fact remains that there's a market for it. Every time you pick up that magazine you're giving some paparazzo a reason to sit outside a coffee shop at 5 in the morning.
-People who buy diamonds. De Beers runs the diamond market with a tighter fist than most drug cartels, and the "A Diamond Is Forever" campaign is one of the most successful slogans in advertising history. It was designed to prevent the existence of a secondary market for diamonds by convincing women not to resell their rings. Seriously, it's not a symbol of your everlasting love that you HAVE TO HAVE TO GET MARRIED. It's a fucking rock. Spend the money on a house, or better yet, send it to the kids in Sierra Leone.
-People who complain about the diamond industry. It's a market based on the exploitation of stupid people and the diamond producers do this extremely well. I have nothing against De Beers - they did a brilliant job of architecting one of the world's greatest marketing campaigns. You can't blame someone for selling shit people don't need as long as they'll buy it.
-Restaurants with small water glasses. I drink a lot of water, and I hate eating without drinking. If you're going to have glasses the size of Dixie cups, you better have a waiter hovering next to the table with a fresh pitcher. Better yet, just leave the pitcher on the table. Better yet, just let me drink out of a huge Mason jar full of whatever liquid I desire.
-During an NFL game, when fans boo after the result of a replay challenge goes against the home team. If you're drunk and 200 yards from the play and you saw it once in real time, who do you think is right, you or the professionally-trained official who saw about 15 different replays in slow motion?
-People who get indignant after a really good "That's what she said!" joke. That's what she said will never, ever not be funny.
-People who order really complicated drinks at the bar when they KNOW other people are waiting.
-Video games whose difficulty dramatically and arbitrarily increases for no reason (I'm looking at you, Madden).
-Milk that goes bad before the expiration date. Nothing will ruin your Sunday morning faster than taking that first delicious bite of Cocoa Puffs and then realizing that a dairy farm burned down inside your mouth.
-Polite laughter. 95% of things that people say that are intended to be funny are not, so let's not encourage them.
-People who send obscure questions to the e-mail list of the entire department AND THEN NOTIFY THE LIST THAT THE QUESTION HAS BEEN ANSWERED.
-People who can't do anything fun without drinking. I am a borderline alcoholic and I STILL don't need to drink to have fun at, say, an amusement park. Also, people who HAVE to be the drunkest person at the party.
posted by Dan at 2:07 PM
4 Comments:
is there anything you like?
and also, do you prefer to read war and peace at the aeroport?
no way dude, i love being the drunkest person at a party. that guarantees that you will never have to drive. duh.
-alice
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