A Rookie's Guide to Spring Training

Dear _________:

Spring training is a confusing and hectic time. For most of you this will be the first time that you'll be thrust into the high-pressure environment of sports superstardom, being constantly hounded by sportswriters, who want nothing more than to fairly report your every move to the public. You will brush aside armies of awe-struck children clamoring for your autograph, and you will have your pick of the hordes of validation-starved girls willing to sleep with anyone in a uniform. Nah, just kidding! You'll probably be in Wichita or Lowell by the end of the week, staying with a host family of six people and eating cold subway sandwiches twice a day.

But seriously, you have much to learn. Professional baseball is full of choices – who to select as your agent, which Hooters waitress to marry, and which combination of amphetamines and masking agents to take. Most of all, though, you'll have to learn how to deal with your veteran teammates. Luckily, you'll have a little bit of time to adjust, since most of the "superstars" like Newark, NJ's own – sorry, "Italy's" own – Dan Miceli will be on display at the World Baseball Classic.

Some of you will be in Arizona, and others in Florida. Things vary a little from region to region, so we'll start off with some basics.

If you go to Arizona:

-Bring sunscreen and a lot of Gatorade.

If you go to Florida:

-Stock up on the most protective condoms you can find, and you might even want to consider one of those latex "body condoms." In fact, it might be a good idea to swing through the CDC in Atlanta and pick up one of those biohazard suits, especially if you're on the Tampa side of the peninsula.

-If you go to a strip club, make sure to check for penises, or evidence thereof. Surgery can do unbelievable things these days, and she may look like Eva Mendes now, but less than a month ago her name was Ramon.

-Do not let your skin come into contact with any exposed surface in the greater Miami area.

I've also compiled a list of general dos and don'ts for you. Keep these in mind, because your adherence to these rules could be the difference between throwing sliders to Albert Pujols and driving a forklift.

1) At first, you'll have very little control over anything that goes on at the ballpark. For example, get used to veterans choosing your walkup music for you. If you want to be prepared, you should probably brush up on the hits of C&C Music Factory, or just spend a lot of time in a gay steel mill. Whichever's easier.

2) Golf is an important skill. It's probably the best way to ingratiate yourself with the older players, and it's much cheaper in Phoenix than in the Northeast. Plus, it's a great alternative to actually playing the last six innings of a game.

3) If you get a jersey number higher than about 50, you may as well start packing your bags, because you have about as good a chance of making the team as you do of becoming a Shaolin monk who travels around the world solving mysteries.

4) Don't get between Jim Leyland and his cigarettes under any circumstances. If it comes down to fighting Jim for a pack of Marlboro Reds and wrestling a live alligator, seriously, go with the alligator.

5) There's a certain level of respect that you should give to the veterans when they finally arrive in camp. For example, don't stare at Barry Bonds' breasts, and when meeting Roger Clemens for the first time, try not to make eye contact or provoke him in any way. If you must eat around Roger, it's best if you use a pulley to elevate your food and garbage into the trees. And finally, if you do somehow manage to antagonize him, head for the nearest tree and start climbing until help arrives.

6) If you find yourself struggling to find things to do with your evenings, track down Derek Lowe and hang out with him. I hear that guy has an awesome time. What happens in Vero Beach (or Los Angeles, or Boston, or Thailand) stays in Vero Beach, right?

7) If you happen to see Sammy Sosa hanging around your team hotel, casually asking if you know where your GM is staying, it's best to just ignore him.

8) Last, and most importantly, don't test positive for steroids, or God help me I will seriously consider thinking about maybe announcing it and suspending you to show I mean business.

Cordially,

Allen Huber Budward J. "Bud" Selig