One Man's List: Things Women Should Know About Men
I consider myself a helpful guy. I also consider myself a regular guy. In other words, I'm not the type of person who would get interviewed by Cosmo and say something like "Guys love it when you jab your finger into their butts during sex, without warning." Conversely, I'll also try to make this a little more informative than the typical "uhhuhuhhuhhuh, guys like sex and sports and beer" column that every collegiate sex columnist has been writing since the dawn of time.
To the women: Keep in mind, this is one guy's list. However, also keep in mind that if you're listening to advice from some book like "He's Just Not That Into You" rather than mine, you're beyond help, and you should probably find the nearest plastic bag and cover your head with it. Make sure not to struggle, though, or you'll ruin the whole thing.
To the guys: Cut this column out and stick it in your girlfriend's purse. Or, you know, be a man and just tell her these things, I don't care:
1) We like long hair. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
2) No matter how much we love you, sports were there first. As such, do not interrupt us when we're watching sports, particularly during the ninth inning or the final two minutes (whichever is applicable). If a full discussion of the subject at hand can be had entirely during one commercial break, more power to you.
3) We really don't like Sex and the City, except for the occasional moment when Kim Cattrall's boobs appear on screen. Your watching it is fine, but don't make us watch it with you or make it your Bible. Granted, it's a well-written show, but many women use it as license to over-dramatize and micromanage relationships more than they already do. That guy you're dating? He's not the season finale - he's just a dude. Settle down. Not only that, IT'S FICTION. Find something other than one gay man's creation of four unrealistically wealthy single women to emulate. Chances are you're not a witty professional struggling to "make it" in a metropolitan world defined by men's expectations - you're an administrative assistant from Chelsea who laughs obnoxiously when she drinks Jaeger.
4) We like having at least one fortress of solitude - a place that still belongs exclusively to us. So don't go through our stuff. If we haven't given you a (real) reason not to trust us, and it's just innocent curiosity, your pressing desire to go through our drawers/wallet/glove compartment can wait until we're around. Note: Our sleeping with your friend in a dream you just had doesn't count as a real reason for anything. Other than a reason you're going to be laughed at later.
5) Even a little knowledge of sports or current events will go a long way toward breaking down our preconceived notions that you're just a (hopefully) pretty face. Believe me, if you can make just one incisive comment on a football game in front of your boyfriend's friends, they will be impressed.
6) Cats. We hate them, and not just because they poop in our houses - it's because of what they signify. As much as sackless guys will cuddle with your cats and tell you they love them, cats are bad news. Unlike dogs, which require a lot of love and commitment, cats are pretty much just emotional placeholders for real relationships that a girl isn't making elsewhere. I don't know about other guys, but for me, hearing "Yeah, I have a cat" from a woman is akin to hearing "Yeah, it's been months since my last outbreak." Bonus points if the cat has a disturbingly human name like Julia or Kenneth.
7) We will always, ALWAYS look at Internet porn. Don't be threatened, though, because it's not a sign of your inadequacy - it's more like breathing. Telling us to quit or get rid of it is only going to drive the porn under the table. When you have huge fake boobs and can take care of all our perverse sexual fantasies at a moment's notice, even when you're miles away, then we'll talk.
8) Don't ask questions when you don't want to hear the answer. This applies to many, many things: an honest evaluation of your appearance, our opinion of your friends, and our sexual histories.
9) Men are verbal communicators. If your guy wants something or something is wrong, nine times out of ten he will explicitly tell you. In the case that he doesn't tell you, leave it alone - that's his problem.
10) As an extension, men are simple. We don't like when you play the little "I'm going to wait three and a half days before I call him because that's what the book told me to do" game. Just call us when you feel like it. Too much relationship "advice" is based on carefully cultivating a particular image of yourself to a guy - acting coy, pretending you only eat salads, or preparing your appearance for two hours before you see him. Instead of trying to present an appealing facade, just be someone who actually HAS those qualities by being confident enough to be yourself. The truth is gonna come out sooner or later, and if you're trying to be something you're not any guy worth his salt is going to see it and run.
11) We hate it when you try to fix our hair or give us fashion advice. We're doing a fine job as it is.
12) We're probably not going to notice any minor improvement or decline in your appearance. We will, however, notice when you spend an hour in the bathroom getting ready to go anywhere.
13) Because the vast majority of men are weak, we will put up with a lot for sex. However, don't let the fact that one schlub will stick around through your crap make you think that you have some sort of animal magnetism. No matter how annoying you can be, there will always be a guy that desperate.
14) If you treat sex like some kind of commodity, putting an emotional "price" on it or withholding it as a penalty for some grievance, don't be surprised when we start to explore other opportunities. Welcome to Econ 101.
15) There is no such thing as an inappropriate time for you to be fondling our balls. I don't care if we're front and center at the Pope's funeral; go to town.
16) When we're talking to you, we are thinking as problem solvers. All of our conversations serve a purpose: we want to find out whatever it is that you need, address it, and then move on. Because of this, when your speech patterns wander around aimlessly like a drunk pedophile walking through the Osh Kosh b'Gosh store, we lose focus. It's almost like an SAT reading comprehension passage: we only pick up on key words. Examples of these key words: "blowjob," "standings," "Pabst," "threesome," "stitches," and "pregnant."
17) We all truly believe we were destined to become professional athletes. In some part of our brain, we expect to pick up our cell phones to hear Bill Belichick asking us to play strong safety against the Bucs next weekend. Please, humor us.
To the women: Keep in mind, this is one guy's list. However, also keep in mind that if you're listening to advice from some book like "He's Just Not That Into You" rather than mine, you're beyond help, and you should probably find the nearest plastic bag and cover your head with it. Make sure not to struggle, though, or you'll ruin the whole thing.
To the guys: Cut this column out and stick it in your girlfriend's purse. Or, you know, be a man and just tell her these things, I don't care:
1) We like long hair. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
2) No matter how much we love you, sports were there first. As such, do not interrupt us when we're watching sports, particularly during the ninth inning or the final two minutes (whichever is applicable). If a full discussion of the subject at hand can be had entirely during one commercial break, more power to you.
3) We really don't like Sex and the City, except for the occasional moment when Kim Cattrall's boobs appear on screen. Your watching it is fine, but don't make us watch it with you or make it your Bible. Granted, it's a well-written show, but many women use it as license to over-dramatize and micromanage relationships more than they already do. That guy you're dating? He's not the season finale - he's just a dude. Settle down. Not only that, IT'S FICTION. Find something other than one gay man's creation of four unrealistically wealthy single women to emulate. Chances are you're not a witty professional struggling to "make it" in a metropolitan world defined by men's expectations - you're an administrative assistant from Chelsea who laughs obnoxiously when she drinks Jaeger.
4) We like having at least one fortress of solitude - a place that still belongs exclusively to us. So don't go through our stuff. If we haven't given you a (real) reason not to trust us, and it's just innocent curiosity, your pressing desire to go through our drawers/wallet/glove compartment can wait until we're around. Note: Our sleeping with your friend in a dream you just had doesn't count as a real reason for anything. Other than a reason you're going to be laughed at later.
5) Even a little knowledge of sports or current events will go a long way toward breaking down our preconceived notions that you're just a (hopefully) pretty face. Believe me, if you can make just one incisive comment on a football game in front of your boyfriend's friends, they will be impressed.
6) Cats. We hate them, and not just because they poop in our houses - it's because of what they signify. As much as sackless guys will cuddle with your cats and tell you they love them, cats are bad news. Unlike dogs, which require a lot of love and commitment, cats are pretty much just emotional placeholders for real relationships that a girl isn't making elsewhere. I don't know about other guys, but for me, hearing "Yeah, I have a cat" from a woman is akin to hearing "Yeah, it's been months since my last outbreak." Bonus points if the cat has a disturbingly human name like Julia or Kenneth.
7) We will always, ALWAYS look at Internet porn. Don't be threatened, though, because it's not a sign of your inadequacy - it's more like breathing. Telling us to quit or get rid of it is only going to drive the porn under the table. When you have huge fake boobs and can take care of all our perverse sexual fantasies at a moment's notice, even when you're miles away, then we'll talk.
8) Don't ask questions when you don't want to hear the answer. This applies to many, many things: an honest evaluation of your appearance, our opinion of your friends, and our sexual histories.
9) Men are verbal communicators. If your guy wants something or something is wrong, nine times out of ten he will explicitly tell you. In the case that he doesn't tell you, leave it alone - that's his problem.
10) As an extension, men are simple. We don't like when you play the little "I'm going to wait three and a half days before I call him because that's what the book told me to do" game. Just call us when you feel like it. Too much relationship "advice" is based on carefully cultivating a particular image of yourself to a guy - acting coy, pretending you only eat salads, or preparing your appearance for two hours before you see him. Instead of trying to present an appealing facade, just be someone who actually HAS those qualities by being confident enough to be yourself. The truth is gonna come out sooner or later, and if you're trying to be something you're not any guy worth his salt is going to see it and run.
11) We hate it when you try to fix our hair or give us fashion advice. We're doing a fine job as it is.
12) We're probably not going to notice any minor improvement or decline in your appearance. We will, however, notice when you spend an hour in the bathroom getting ready to go anywhere.
13) Because the vast majority of men are weak, we will put up with a lot for sex. However, don't let the fact that one schlub will stick around through your crap make you think that you have some sort of animal magnetism. No matter how annoying you can be, there will always be a guy that desperate.
14) If you treat sex like some kind of commodity, putting an emotional "price" on it or withholding it as a penalty for some grievance, don't be surprised when we start to explore other opportunities. Welcome to Econ 101.
15) There is no such thing as an inappropriate time for you to be fondling our balls. I don't care if we're front and center at the Pope's funeral; go to town.
16) When we're talking to you, we are thinking as problem solvers. All of our conversations serve a purpose: we want to find out whatever it is that you need, address it, and then move on. Because of this, when your speech patterns wander around aimlessly like a drunk pedophile walking through the Osh Kosh b'Gosh store, we lose focus. It's almost like an SAT reading comprehension passage: we only pick up on key words. Examples of these key words: "blowjob," "standings," "Pabst," "threesome," "stitches," and "pregnant."
17) We all truly believe we were destined to become professional athletes. In some part of our brain, we expect to pick up our cell phones to hear Bill Belichick asking us to play strong safety against the Bucs next weekend. Please, humor us.
posted by Dan at 12:19 PM
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