Save Arrested Development
SAVE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Please, do this for me even if you don't like the show. Then put a plastic bag over your head and inhale deeply, because I honestly hope you die a premature and painful death.
Below is the text of the letter I sent to Fox last week; I'm lazy and am just now getting around to posting it here.
Dear Fox:
I guess for a while I could deal with your mangled abortion of "Family Guy" and your inexplicable refusal to get rid of Tim McCarver during the baseball playoffs, but giving up on "Arrested Development" was the last straw.
Part of me is depressed because I know your network is purely a market-driven enterprise that does nothing but respond to what it thinks consumers want. Therefore, I should put the blame for AD's failure on my fellow man. I guess AD was just too smart and funny to survive on network television. I mean, they didn't even have a laugh track - how are you supposed to know what's funny without the TV prompting you to laugh?
But a bigger part of me is angry. The part of me that knows how stupid it is to use something as imprecise and outdated as Nielsen ratings to determine a show's appeal. The part that realizes that the people who fill out Nielsen forms are the same people who hold up the line at 7-11 because they can't add change. The part that knows TV networks could put together much better programming with even a modicum of effort. The part that seethes at the fact that you can continue to promote a show that survives based entirely on Pam Anderson's boobs.
People don't watch something purely because they like it - they watch it because it's the best thing available in that particular time slot. If you give people a sampling of quality television to choose from, they'll choose something good. I guess I can't blame you, though, because at this point you've put together such a DiMaggio-like streak of dull, derivative sitcoms that you'll never need to have an original thought again and people will still watch whatever you regurgitate because your competitors suck so heroically. TV is becoming more and more like the telecommunications industry - if even ONE provider/network could do things right consistently, they would make money hand over fucking fist, but apparently that's too much to ask.
People failed to watch Arrested Development not because it was a crappy show, but because you marketed it so poorly, as David Cross pointed out in the Season 2 DVD. I understand that it's difficult to rope someone into watching a half-hour TV show with a thirty-second spot. Still, for future reference, when you're pitching an intelligent show for once, you might want to avoid any of the approaches you used to promote it:
1) Trying to guilt people into watching it by citing its awards, as if Joe Television is going to hear "X number of Emmys" and suddenly tune in.
2) Showing 10-second clips of something like Gob dancing like an idiot, which is hilarious in the context of the show but when shown by itself makes "Arrested Development" look like another "Stacked." There are literally hundreds of smart, funny moments per episode, any one of which you could have used in AD's commercials, but you consistently chose them poorly.
3) Moving the show from Sunday to Monday without telling anyone, all while using all your ad time to suck "Prison Break"'s dick like it held the cure for cancer. Also, smart move filling the gap left by AD with reruns of "Prison Break." Nothing helps a fledgling show take hold like driving it into the ground.
I guess the only conclusion I can draw from this chain of events is that people – both viewers and television executives – are idiots, and that they need either a laugh track or an overly simplistic graph to tell them what's good and what's not. However, it does give me some solace to know that when the content delivery revolution finally rolls around, the free market will take over, shows that are actually funny will take hold, and with any luck the people who canceled Arrested Development will be homeless in a Santa Monica gutter. One other bright side is the fact that Fox is now down to two watchable shows per week. As soon as you lose the rights to the baseball playoffs, I'll never have to watch Fox again.
And as for the rest of your programming, good luck. I can think of five people off the top of my head, myself included, who could write better material than "The War at Home." Well, maybe "The War at Home" is a bad example, since I'd rather take a dump on a plate and then watch it spin around in the microwave than watch half an hour of that. You’d better hope Kiefer Sutherland never decides to restart his movie career.
I know my opinion is worthless, since you make just as much money when an ad flicks before my eyes as when the same ad appears to someone who thinks "Stacked" is funny. I do want my voice to be heard though, because I know a lot of other intelligent people who love "Arrested Development" as much as I do. I just hope you notice that my response to AD's cancellation was at least kind of well-written and hopefully reflects my ability to dictate trends as a consumer, whereas I imagine when "Stacked" inevitably gets canceled, the people who will be upset will either have their e-mail screened out by the warden or will be too busy masturbating to care.
Sorry to take up so much of your time. I know you're busy addressing America's burning need for another dopey husband/hot wife/quirky family show.
Love,
Dan McCarthy
Please, do this for me even if you don't like the show. Then put a plastic bag over your head and inhale deeply, because I honestly hope you die a premature and painful death.
Below is the text of the letter I sent to Fox last week; I'm lazy and am just now getting around to posting it here.
Dear Fox:
I guess for a while I could deal with your mangled abortion of "Family Guy" and your inexplicable refusal to get rid of Tim McCarver during the baseball playoffs, but giving up on "Arrested Development" was the last straw.
Part of me is depressed because I know your network is purely a market-driven enterprise that does nothing but respond to what it thinks consumers want. Therefore, I should put the blame for AD's failure on my fellow man. I guess AD was just too smart and funny to survive on network television. I mean, they didn't even have a laugh track - how are you supposed to know what's funny without the TV prompting you to laugh?
But a bigger part of me is angry. The part of me that knows how stupid it is to use something as imprecise and outdated as Nielsen ratings to determine a show's appeal. The part that realizes that the people who fill out Nielsen forms are the same people who hold up the line at 7-11 because they can't add change. The part that knows TV networks could put together much better programming with even a modicum of effort. The part that seethes at the fact that you can continue to promote a show that survives based entirely on Pam Anderson's boobs.
People don't watch something purely because they like it - they watch it because it's the best thing available in that particular time slot. If you give people a sampling of quality television to choose from, they'll choose something good. I guess I can't blame you, though, because at this point you've put together such a DiMaggio-like streak of dull, derivative sitcoms that you'll never need to have an original thought again and people will still watch whatever you regurgitate because your competitors suck so heroically. TV is becoming more and more like the telecommunications industry - if even ONE provider/network could do things right consistently, they would make money hand over fucking fist, but apparently that's too much to ask.
People failed to watch Arrested Development not because it was a crappy show, but because you marketed it so poorly, as David Cross pointed out in the Season 2 DVD. I understand that it's difficult to rope someone into watching a half-hour TV show with a thirty-second spot. Still, for future reference, when you're pitching an intelligent show for once, you might want to avoid any of the approaches you used to promote it:
1) Trying to guilt people into watching it by citing its awards, as if Joe Television is going to hear "X number of Emmys" and suddenly tune in.
2) Showing 10-second clips of something like Gob dancing like an idiot, which is hilarious in the context of the show but when shown by itself makes "Arrested Development" look like another "Stacked." There are literally hundreds of smart, funny moments per episode, any one of which you could have used in AD's commercials, but you consistently chose them poorly.
3) Moving the show from Sunday to Monday without telling anyone, all while using all your ad time to suck "Prison Break"'s dick like it held the cure for cancer. Also, smart move filling the gap left by AD with reruns of "Prison Break." Nothing helps a fledgling show take hold like driving it into the ground.
I guess the only conclusion I can draw from this chain of events is that people – both viewers and television executives – are idiots, and that they need either a laugh track or an overly simplistic graph to tell them what's good and what's not. However, it does give me some solace to know that when the content delivery revolution finally rolls around, the free market will take over, shows that are actually funny will take hold, and with any luck the people who canceled Arrested Development will be homeless in a Santa Monica gutter. One other bright side is the fact that Fox is now down to two watchable shows per week. As soon as you lose the rights to the baseball playoffs, I'll never have to watch Fox again.
And as for the rest of your programming, good luck. I can think of five people off the top of my head, myself included, who could write better material than "The War at Home." Well, maybe "The War at Home" is a bad example, since I'd rather take a dump on a plate and then watch it spin around in the microwave than watch half an hour of that. You’d better hope Kiefer Sutherland never decides to restart his movie career.
I know my opinion is worthless, since you make just as much money when an ad flicks before my eyes as when the same ad appears to someone who thinks "Stacked" is funny. I do want my voice to be heard though, because I know a lot of other intelligent people who love "Arrested Development" as much as I do. I just hope you notice that my response to AD's cancellation was at least kind of well-written and hopefully reflects my ability to dictate trends as a consumer, whereas I imagine when "Stacked" inevitably gets canceled, the people who will be upset will either have their e-mail screened out by the warden or will be too busy masturbating to care.
Sorry to take up so much of your time. I know you're busy addressing America's burning need for another dopey husband/hot wife/quirky family show.
Love,
Dan McCarthy
posted by Dan at 4:55 PM
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