The Ten Worst Teams to Be a Fan Of

EDIT: This article sucks, because I have been working like a dog lately. I'm trying to get more content up as it comes to me.

It’s the holiday season. And even though it would probably be easy for me to be thankful for what I have, I’d rather be thankful for what I don’t have: an allegiance to one of these teams.

10) Florida State University
Being a graduate of Florida State must be tough. Not only do you have to deal with constantly getting tooled on about the quality of your education, it's easy to let the jokes distract you from the air conditioner you're repairing. As far as the football team goes, I know our culture has predisposed us to ignore any crime by a big-name athlete short of rape or murder, but come on. You do have to congratulate their receivers on their ability to run so well while wearing those GPS-tracking ankle bracelets, though. Also, like Tennessee, they’re always mentioned in discussions of the best teams in recent memory, even though their résumé doesn’t really stack up with the hype.

9) Baltimore Orioles
Orioles fans are the bastard stepchildren of the AL East. If it weren't for Cal Ripken Jr. (whose record is still probably the most overrated sports accomplishment of the last thirty years) and Rafael Palmeiro becoming one of the most universally disliked players in the history of baseball, people would have forgotten the Orioles existed by now. Never mind the fact that "egomaniacal control freak" doesn't begin to describe owner Peter Angelos.

8) Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles are the Buffalo Bills of the 21^st century, except they don’t make you feel sorry for them. Still, the personal crisis that Eagles fans must have gone through this season would have been enough to drive anyone crazy. As I write this, three guys from Philly are probably busting Rae Carruth out of prison to engineer an emergency hit on Terrell Owens.

7) Los Angeles Clippers
They would be higher on this list for all the obvious reasons (terrible owner, stars refuse to play there, haven't made the playoffs since the time of Christ), but even within Los Angeles nobody seems to care that they exist. It looks like they're turning things around, though. Just like every season.

6) Detroit Lions
One playoff win since 1957. Never-ending quarterback controversy. They play in Detroit. Even I hate the Lions, because they make every Thanksgiving boring. Every year I go through an unpleasant emotional rollercoaster during the five minutes when I finish dinner, sit down contentedly in front of the TV, and then realize the Lions are down 25 points five minutes after the opening kickoff and that I'll have to listen to two more hours of John Madden rambling incoherently.

5) Arizona Cardinals
Come on. I will give anyone in a 500-mile radius of this city ten bucks if they can name more than 5 players who have ever played for the Cardinals.

4) Chicago Cubs
You know how every year in baseball there's one unexpected contender that ends up surprising everyone and becoming the feel-good story of the year? (Okay, maybe not in baseball; I could probably predict the 2008 playoff picture right now.) The Cubs have exhausted their reservoir of feel-good years. No matter how many times they make the playoffs or how long it’s been since their last trip, they'll be swamped in irritating stories about their past. You can’t be a lovable loser if everyone else hates you. Also, everyone in Boston seems to be hyperventilating about the Globe's virtual monopoly on information that gets published about the Red Sox. The Tribune Company has been doing that with the Cubs for years. And since rooting for the Cubs has become about the experience rather than the destination, there’s no pressure on the ownership to win.

3) New Orleans Saints
You really want them to succeed, what with the hurricane and all, but they just can’t do it. You could almost say Katrina made their fan base less supportive, because they were given the same “inspirational” mantle as other teams that stepped it up under extreme circumstances (like the 2001 Yankees), without anyone remembering that they’re the Saints. Internal conflict and strife follow this team everywhere. At the start of the season they were America’s Team, but now I think America’s relationship with the Saints is pretty much summed up by my reaction to finding out what tonight’s Sunday Night Football game was. “Saints-Jets… well, at least there’s a new Family Guy on.”

2) Cleveland Browns
America loves winners, but it also needs losers. When it comes to ineptitude, we like to have one single target that springs to mind (minorities, the South, France), and when it comes to sports, the city of Cleveland fills that void. Browns fans have experienced the dizzying highs, crushing lows, and creamy middles of the NFL and had their hearts ripped out at all points. The list of insults is almost too long to catalog: being the tragic loser in the '87 and '88 AFC Championships, having their franchise taken away, and now being a virtual afterthought in their own division. This says nothing of the fact that God allowed Art Modell’s Balti-Cleveland Raven-Browns to win the 2001 Super Bowl out of spite.

1) New York Yankees
Sure, the team's great, but as a fan you're spending an extra two grand a year on hair oil, wax for your pimp-stache, and gold jewelry.