I Love You, Terrell Owens

Dear Terrell Owens:

This is not your fault.

I know, I know, a lot of people have said some mean things about you. Like that you're a selfish, backstabbing clown who has so completely lost touch with what is acceptable social behavior that he still thinks he's in the right. But that's just not the case. Clearly, you’re being screwed here, and as your biggest fan, I feel it's my responsibility to step up and let you know that I still believe in you.

I've been following your career for a long time. Remember when you were in San Francisco and you all but told the media that Jeff Garcia was gay? That was awesome! Some people might complain that you made an allegation that could ruin Garcia's career for no other reason than to be a dick, but not me. Garcia deserved it! After all, come on – he speaks with a lisp. It had to be said. And when you put the blame for your Super Bowl loss on Donovan McNabb, that was just classy. It's true, he was probably a little out of shape, but for some inexplicable reason a lot of people are saying that you stabbed him in the back. That's just the media. What do they know? They loooove to bring up the way you've thrown your teammates under the bus at every stage of your career, like the time you whined for attention during the 49ers' celebration of Jerry Rice. They’re just jealous.

But you know what? None of that stuff is relevant. The most important thing here is that you're a good player who sacrifices himself for the organization. Well, physically, at least. Your one awesome season, combined with a great performance in the Super Bowl, should be more than enough to make your employer ignore the dozens of other major headaches you create. If I negotiated a great deal for my company and then started sabotaging other people's projects and badmouthing management, they couldn't fire me, right?

You're also a good citizen. As far as the fans know, you've never knocked anyone up or sold illegal drugs, automatically making you a good person and a good teammate. Hell, that means you're cleaner than 80% of the Baltimore Ravens. Any team would love to have a stand-up guy like you. And while every other member of the Eagles may privately long to tear out your larynx, that doesn't matter - you show up to practice on time and you haven't killed anyone yet. Therefore, you're a valuable asset to the team. The fact that you're obviously a childish man-boy who drags everyone around him down shouldn't take away from that. Neither should the fact that you're a bigger cancer than an irradiated bag of asbestos.

This whole suspension thing was all a big misunderstanding, too. I mean, we shouldn't be blaming you for the way you're portrayed in the media, should we? It's not like you have personal control over every statement issued about you. Let's be honest - ESPN just makes stuff up and puts words in your mouth from time to time. Flat-out liars, those guys are.

And while we're on the topic of public image, I think at the time it was a shrewd choice to get Drew Rosenhaus to represent you. A lot of people throw around some harsh words when referring to Rosenhaus. Words like "smarmy sleazebag" and "unnecessarily confrontational dickhead" and "soul-sucking mega-douche." As for me, though, I sympathize with you. As a player with an already questionable reputation, it must have been difficult for you to predict that Rosenhaus, who has built a career out of making organizations hate him, would make a tender situation worse. When you made the basis for Jay Mohr's character in "Jerry Maguire" your public face, you couldn't have possibly foreseen what happened.

So let's place the blame where it belongs here: on the Eagles. Clearly, this is their fault. They should have recognized from Day One that you are a mentally unstable individual desperate to be the center of attention at all times. Let’s get one thing straight here: NFL contracts aren't about mutual responsibility - they're about a team laying out a bunch of cash and then crossing their fingers and hoping for the best. Caveat emptor, baby. Hell, if you had just beaten James Thrash to death with a tire iron because you thought he was taking away from your catches, that would have been the Eagles' fault too. Come on - they knew what they were getting into.

This is more than just a battle between you and the Eagles, too. It's between white America and black America. White people don't hate you because you think of yourself as bigger than the team, or because you alienated all your teammates, or because you think your performance on the field exonerates you from any responsibility to your teammates off it. They just hate you because you're black, the same way that your black teammates hate you because you're black.

And because of the obvious racism inherent in this situation, it was a clever move on your part to have Jesse Jackson step in and defend you. Some people might say that at this point he's a laughingstock who inevitably hurts whatever cause he's supporting - particularly one he has zero experience in - but not me! I think the Rev's opinion is on point on all topics, from contract negotiation to illegitimate children.

Without you, the Eagles went from a contender in the NFC East to hoping the Cowboys have a bad week or three so they can have a shot at the wild card. They deserved to have this happen to them for the way they treated you, and don't you forget it.

So don't get down on yourself, T.O. - you're better than that. You're my favorite player, and will continue to be for all time. In fact, it would be a crime for me to say that you are anything less than the greatest athlete of all time. The only way you should return to the NFL is if a team erects a fifty-foot tall golden statue of you outside their stadium. Remember - some people might say a lot of bad things about you, but don't you listen to them.

Your biggest fan,

Terrell Owens