Responses to Craigslist Personal Ads, Vol. 1

Yes, this ad is real. Yes, I'm going to hell.

Hi guys - Seriously, how hard can it be to find someone that clicks just right? I am cute (5'8", butt, hair, smile are my best features),
I’m 6’2. I’ve been told that my good eye is my best feature, but others say my cleft lip makes me look "distinguished."

fun (I have a pretty sarcastic sense of humor..think SNL in Belushi's time),
Whew, I was worried you’d be boring. That’s reassuring. It’s comforting to see you have no pop cultural point of reference since 1983. New things scare me, too.

happy go lucky (life really IS like a box of chocolates. I like to bite 'em all and see what happens),
I like to bite ‘em all and see what happens too, but after their labia heal the lawyers usually say I can’t do that anymore.

down to earth (No Bush, recycling to the max, total appreciation for nature), and non-materialistic.
When I think “down to earth,” I think “borderline-animist sociopolitical affiliation.” And was that a clever shaved vagina reference? Also, this reminded me of Poochie from the Simpsons: "Recycle, kids – TO THE EXTREME!!!" As for me, you won’t have to worry about an excess of material goods, but I'm doing just fine. My geodesic dome house may be small, but the solar panels usually have enough heat to get us through most of the rainy season.

I am a mother, an artist, a borderline anarchist.
I enjoy graffiti tagging and breaking shit. We have so much in common! LOL!

I love to walk on the beach a few times a week and get really into things like seeing dolphins swimming off shore (are they schools, or pods??), and talking to strangers about the fish they just caught.
I fucking hate when I’m fishing and some bitch comes up and distracts me while I’m trying to gut a trout.

My friend asked me the other day (as I was complaining about a non-responsive date) "What do you want?" So, I have been thinking about it and I want...
“You know what, I’m just not going to worry about what you want for right now. We’ll get to that later. I HAVE NEEDS!”

Someone to be in love with me. Someone to think I am it.
“Tell me I’m pretty. Please, God, tell me I’m so pretty.”

Someone who misses me when we are apart and calls just to say hi.
See, my last girlfriend got mad at me when I called just to say hi. She said fifty calls a day was too much, but I didn’t think so. We resolved our little debate, though. I keep her tongue in a locket to remind myself to be more thoughtful.

Someone who asks me how my day was and remembers the names of my kids.
Is it OK if I just stick with “Buddy” and “Chief”?

Someone who will plan a date, or a weekend, or...I don't dare wish any farther than that, since I have never met such a man. ;-)
I like to stand outside the McDonald’s drive-thru and fuck with the window attendant. Other than that, I dunno – what do you wanna do?

You would appreciate art, if not make it.
I usually make art once a day – twice if I’ve eaten a lot of fruit recently. If it’s a good one I’ll invite you in to appreciate it with me.

Maybe you're a gardener, like me.
How did you know about my garden? I specifically told Guillermo to bring the plants over in the middle of the night.

You love a good meal and long conversations about nothing and everything. The Harvest Moon, stops you in your tracks (how can anyone NOT stop to look at that?) and you love to just sit and look at the ocean.
Yeah, that happens to me too. Every once in a while I’ll just forget where I’m going and stand transfixed in the middle of the street for an hour at a time, fascinated by a bug crawling across the asphalt. Dude, this Jamaican hydroponic shit is intense.

I do have a weakness for construction types and musicians...
Aren’t your tastes eclectic? You’re in luck though. Some days I like to just kick back with my lute on the back of my trusty bulldozer and compose an impromptu ballad or two. Personally, I have a weakness for breasts and vaginas.

Oh, and at least a few inches taller than me.
Well, I’m pretty tall as it is, but if you’re really that awesome I might consider getting that surgery Ethan Hawke had in Gattaca where they inserted artificial bones into his shins.

All right, you get it. If something above catches your attention, email and tell me what. Honestly, I hate it when someone sends me a one liner or a totally impersonal message, so if that's you, I probably won't be responding.
Yeah, I hate when people are unresponsive. Don’t you hate that too? ANSWER ME!!!

And, I hate to sound like a guy, but please send a picture, and I will do the same. We all know that physical attraction counts. Right?
It’s true, we men are so shallow. There is one small problem, though. The only picture I have of me is before the grease fire, but the doctors say the scarring isn’t too severe. Hope to hear from you soon!