Things I Hate About Sports

This column will appear in this week's edition of Barstool Sports.

I hate many things about sports.

I hate MLB’s unwillingness to adopt instant replay as an aid to the umpires. When the NFL introduced replay, the big hue and cry was “It’ll slow down the game!” Baseball IS slow. The game has tons of natural stoppages, and it would take literally thirty seconds for a replay official to overturn an umpire’s missed call concerning, say, Hideki Matsui, say, running out of the baseline. Hypothetically. And to anyone who says human error is part of the game: FALSE. Officials are like part of the playing field; their fallibility is a necessary evil, and anyone who has ever played high-level organized sports will say the same. Umpires are just a stopgap before it becomes feasible to install some kind of laser system to call plays.

I hate when I’m watching a football game and the TV network steadfastly refuses to show an instant replay of a controversial play, instead choosing to show the referees standing in a circle conferring about it for thirty seconds. I want to see the play at least three times again, from every angle available, in slow motion.

I hate the NFL’s sudden-death overtime format. Mr. Tagliabue, please just admit you’re wrong and switch to the collegiate format now. We won’t hold a grudge.

I hate the way the small-mindedness of the people who run the collegiate bowl system is preventing the existence of a playoff. Look, if the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl is a quarterfinal for the national championship instead of a showdown between two two-loss teams, it’s generating way more revenue. There is a way to stage a playoff that will make everyone happy. Get it done.

I hate when people complain about the lack of popularity of a sport like college baseball or the WNBA without realizing that generally when something isn’t popular there’s a very good reason. With college baseball, it’s because many of the marquee players aged 18-22 are either already in the minors or playing in Latin America and because, unlike NCAA football or basketball, it’s not a direct pipeline to the pros; with the WNBA, it’s because it’s boring and sucks. Economics, people: if there isn’t a demand for it, it won’t succeed.

I hate how broadcasters have an inexplicable unwillingness to say anything negative about college athletes, and then once the athletes turn pro, it’s open season for criticism. There’s no heroism in playing for free anymore; once you voluntarily put yourself on a national stage, your positives AND negatives are fair game.

I hate when athletes complain about being portrayed negatively by the media when the reality is just that they are completely unaware of what is socially acceptable behavior. Actually, I just hate Terrell Owens.

I hate the idea that as long as an umpire is consistent for both teams with his strike zone, it’s okay. Yes, the high strike does exist. No, there is no imaginary line three inches off the plate that is the outside edge of the zone. It’s not an Impressionist painting; there are precise rules governing it and they should be universally followed.

I hate the NBA’s need to play music in arenas during every available second of the game. It’s asking a lot now for the PA system to stop blaring Ludacris once the ball crosses midcourt. Sooner or later they’re actually going to have him performing live while the game is going on.

I hate reporters who think athletes signed a contract at some point saying they have to speak to the media. In how many jobs is it practically a requirement to undergo biweekly grillings that will later be aired nationwide?

I hate ESPN.com for taking away the "Race" feature on the MLB standings page. The "Race" feature pulls up a graph that tracks the number of games a team is above/below .500 as the year goes on, and is an easily readable summary of a team's winning and losing streaks. I brought this up while talking to my friend Glenn the other night when we were at Clery’s in Brookline. He immediately knew exactly what I was talking about and was equally enraged about it, and my girlfriend looked at us like we were crazy. Also, Glenn pointed out that it would be incredibly easy to color-coordinate the graph lines with the teams they represent (say, A's=green and Giants=orange), but ESPN still didn't do it. It’s the little things.

I hate Skip Bayless for being a contrarian dick and never giving credit to an athlete for any accomplishment, ever; for trying desperately to make every trivial issue into a moralistic debate; for being a large part of the reason Congress is wasting time talking about a steroid “epidemic;” and for co-hosting a show with Woody “I misspelled ‘steroids’ as ‘steriods’ on national television” Paige. What makes me the angriest is when Bayless picks an outlandishly moronic straw-man argument like "Lance Armstrong is the greatest athlete in the history of sports," builds it up like thousands of people are clamoring in support of it, and then argues against it like he's somehow standing against the tide of ignorance.

I hate the fact that no matter where you sit in the stadium, the cheerleaders are shooting T-shirts at the opposite side.

I hate the knowledge that as soon as I publish this column, I will think of at least ten important things I left off this list.