MLB Power Rankings, 9/20

Here are this week's MLB Power Rankings, as promised. Again, this piece appears in this week's online edition of Barstool Sports.

1) St. Louis Cardinals
The complete package. St. Louis is the only team that can conclusively say they have a playoff spot locked down, and the only team that has been in absolute control of their division from day one. For all the hype surrounding Dontrelle Willis and Roger Clemens, Chris Carpenter should take the NL Cy Young, and the Cardinals' offense is rock-solid. Really, what more is there to say? If the Cardinals were a chick, they'd be the girl who critiques the San Diego Chargers' secondary and then says something like "Deep down, I think all women are a little bit bisexual."

2) Atlanta Braves
A team with all the consistency of the Yankees, except without the persistent hired-gun label and the daytime-soap atmosphere. Far and away the second-best team in the National League, especially since Andruw Jones decided he was the second coming of Barry Bonds. They could still melt down, since they have two big series left against the Marlins and three more games with the Phillies, but count on the experience of playoff vets like Smoltz, Chipper Jones, and Hudson to carry them. And as for the guys you hadn't heard of before July, someone should write a book about John Schuerholz and Bobby Cox. Jorge Sosa? Jeff Francoeur? Ryan Langerhans? There's still that little matter of closing the deal and getting a ring, though. If everyone forgot that Cox beat his wife (a 1995 battery charge for punching her) as fast as the media apparently did, he'd get even MORE respect for that one Series title back in 1995. That 31-35 road record might start to cause problems if they have to play at St. Louis in the NLCS, though.

3) Cleveland Indians
It would be easy to get too excited about the Indians, since they're two bad days away from not making the playoffs. Still, it's tough to discount a team that has won 12 of its last 13 games. There are some positives here and some negatives. Positives: 1) Cleveland has seven more games against the Royals and three more against the Devil Rays. All things considered, both of those teams put together couldn't take three of seven from a playoff-caliber team, unless it was the Devil Rays and they were playing the Yankees in Tampa. 2) Even if the Indians don't make the playoffs they have an amazing stockpile of young players. And hey, if they flame out Cleveland fans can always fall back on the success of the Browns and Cavaliers, right? Negatives: 1) Bob Wickman is one beer-battered chicken wing away from having a massive heart attack on the mound in the middle of a game. 2) They play in Cleveland.

4) Boston Red Sox
I'm sure I'll get a slew of hate mail for not putting the Red Sox first, since they are, according to any human being or media outlet in a 100-mile radius, the end-all-be-all of American sports - hell, they are the singular defining metaphor for the human condition. However, if Gabe Kapler's done for the year, that means less speed and defense off the bench, and having at least two reliable bench guys is HUGE in the playoffs. Kapler also filled the gaping hole in the hustle quota that Manny Ramirez leaves on the field every night. Also, this may be an unfair reason to drop the Sox down to the four hole, but if one more ad for the DVD of "Fever Pitch" invades my ESPN viewing experience I'm going to personally drive to New York and tear out Jimmy "I interrupt every sketch I've ever been involved in with my Japanese-schoolgirl giggling" Fallon's vas deferens.

5) Chicago White Sox
Much as it pains me to leave my beloved Angels (or Giants, but I'm a reasonable man) off this list, they don't deserve it. When you get swept by the last-place Mariners for the SECOND time in a season, you may as well start making offseason plans. So, on to the White Sox: You have some damage control to do when your most consistent pitcher is Jose Contreras. Reading the last part of that sentence is like waking up next year and hearing "And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to... Pauly Shore!" The White Sox will probably still hang on to their rapidly-dwindling lead in the Central, but don't expect a World Series in Comiskey just yet. An unbreakable rule: Speed and defense will make sportscasters masturbate furiously over your accomplishments, but if you want to win a championship, buy yourself some arms and sticks. Personally, I like seeing history happen, so I wouldn't mind seeing the greatest collapse in baseball history come to fruition if the Indians catch them, followed by Ozzie Guillen getting capped in Hyde Park. And no, that's not just because it would eclipse the 1995 Angels' epic implosion.

Also, kudos to the Padres for beating out the 1993 Giants in the race for "most convincing argument for the existence of wild-card playoff teams." The 1993 Giants could probably STILL beat the Padres in a five-game series even though Billy Swift and John Burkett are probably making a living through motivational speaking or appearing at sports memorabilia conventions right now.