Life's Everlasting Truths

Sorry for the absence, but I am busy furiously pouring mucus out of every hole in my head. More once I get healthy.

-No matter where you are sitting in the stadium, the cheerleaders are always shooting T-shirts at the other side.
-Hockey and soccer will never be popular in America.
-Every guy has secretly wondered what an apple martini tastes like.
-The phrase "Just one more time" has never resulted in positive consequences, ever.
-50 years from now, people will still make fun of the name "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim."
-Anyone who claims he is good at poker is never as good as he thinks he is. Even Antonio Esfandiari. ESPECIALLY Esfandiari.
-No matter how awesome your argument is, mispronouncing or misspelling a word will make everyone deny you credibility.
-Women who are bad drivers will never admit it.
-There will be a critical time when you have less than five minutes to figure out how to program your DVD player/TiVo to record something. You will fail to do it correctly.
-Everyone knows exactly what their own armpits smell like.
-Men who own more than one cat are gay.
-Women who own more than one cat are fucking crazy.
-If you're waiting for a phone call and decide to take a shower, the phone will ring and you won't hear it.
-Anything involving chimpanzees is funny.
-Women who do cutesy shit ("PrInCeSs") with their screen names or typing patterns are desperate for attention and are terrible in relationships.
-Women who let you know early on that they "aren't high-maintenance" always are.
-Nobody will ever be as intimidating at the plate as Barry Bonds.
-No animated television show will ever be as funny as the Simpsons was at its peak.
-The Cubs will eventually win the World Series, but the clinching game will not be at Wrigley.
-No white politician will ever take black voters seriously as long as Lil' Jon is producing music.
-There is no more depressing place than a strip club while sober.
-when you leave Vegas, you will always have less money than you thought. Even if you were up $3000, somehow when you leave there will be 200 bucks missing, but it won't seem to matter.
-Any time any public speaker starts off with "This will be short and sweet," the next hour will be one of the most painful of your life.
-Everyone has a friend of a friend who has found something terrible in his food at Del Taco.
-Women in relationships who get boob jobs secretly think they can do better than their current men.
-Chinese food never tastes as good after it's been in the microwave.
-Your mother will never learn to use a computer correctly.
-People who feign outrage at racist jokes are usually the ones who are afraid of their own racism.
-As long as the movie industry is in business, stupid women will have unrealistic expectations of men.
-Women who have tattoos on their lower backs are whores, or secretly aspire to become whores.
-Drinking on an airplane will not make a flight seem shorter or more bearable.
-No matter how carefully you select your seat on a transcontinental flight, a fat man, a pair of 15-year-old girls, or a woman with an infant will sit within 10 feet of you.
-Nothing tastes as good as a Double-Double when you're drunk.
-If you have to ask yourself if something will come back and bite you in the ass, the answer is always yes.
-It is impossible to overestimate the stupidity or laziness of the average person.
-"Diet" anything will never taste as good as the original.
-If Duke is playing basketball on television, the announcer will bring up the fact that the players are smart and good citizens as well as athletic.
-It is impossible to make a dog smell truly good.
-People who look for arguments about politics never know what they're talking about.
-The NFL game that you missed while at church is always the best game of the day.
-In 20 years, the fact that Limp Bizkit put out three successful records will be one of the damning failures of our generation.
-Any car with more than two American flag stickers on it will be an SUV.
-Any car with more than two anti-war or anti-Bush bumper stickers will be a dirty Geo Metro, a Toyota Tercel, or a VW van.
-Nobody will remember how awesome Greg Maddux was in his prime.
-Women who say "f'ed" instead of "fucked" are bad in bed.
-Greek food is never as good as you remember it being.
-Nothing is more difficult to clean up than jizz.
-Lindsay Lohan will be involved in some kind of serious legal trouble within the next six months.
-Homeless, mentally retarded, and fat people will always be the butt of jokes. No amount of political correctness training will ever alter this.
-No matter how good a time you had, it always feels good to leave Mexico.