Wedding Crashers: missed opportunity

Look, nine times out of ten I would rather eat a bucket of vomit than condemn a movie starring Will Ferrell, but this was a catastrophe. It's like the entire movie was written as a vehicle for three funny scenes: everything that happens during the visit to the Clearys' house, John's (Owen Wilson) first meeting with Chaz (Ferrell) and John's bender scene at the end.

There were a lot of things I liked, most of all the introduction of the word "eyefucked" into the lexicon. However, there was some stuff that we could have done without, and it makes me sad, because there were so many funny parts that with only minor alterations this could have been the best comedy since Anchorman.

- The montage about ten minutes into the movie that shows Vaughn and Wilson storming a bunch of weddings went on WAY too long without doing anything important. The first minute of the film sets you up for the two weeks of "wedding season" and then we blow through the entire thing in a three-minute seizure-inducing blast, leaving everyone in the audience with blue balls. They could have at least slowed it down and had one funny moment in there without the racing musical background, which kind of killed it.

- There are so many plot points that happen without explanation that it makes you want to gouge your eyes out. Mrs. Cleary disappears from the plot entirely after Owen Wilson wakes up with her rack in his face. Vince Vaughn endures a near-homosexual-rape scene and then decides that yes, he has a duty to sack up and stick it out with his buddy instead of bailing immediately, as any American male would do. (I'm sorry, but avoiding getting clay-mined in the middle of the night supersedes playing wingman. The Guy Code stands.) Also, Owen Wilson apparently got to know the Clearys' butler well enough for the butler to hook him up with a job waiting tables at Claire's engagement party, when the two characters HAD NOT SPOKEN TO ONE ANOTHER PRIOR TO THIS.

- Then it all comes together for what is pretty much the most unbelievable scene in movie history when Vince Vaughn's climactic wedding stops at just the right moment for a heated five-minute argument to take place at the altar while the congregation of like 500 people waits patiently and in silence. Oh, and Claire chooses Owen Wilson, who lied to her repeatedly and whose real identity she is JUST NOW FINDING OUT, over her rich douchey fiancee. Furthermore, she appears to come to this decision on the spot. AND HER FATHER SUPPORTS HER. Any father here would have laid the smack down instead of allowing his daughter to dump a life of luxury for a dude who she knew a total of three days and whose identity was a complete sham. Especially Christopher Walken.

- On that note, what was with Walken not appearing to care that Vince Vaughn was tied up in his daughter's bed, right after giving him the "I'm a very powerful man" speech? It was funny based on how random it was, but come on. We can only believe so much.

- Will Ferrell is becoming a caricature of himself. You knew his cameo was coming, and it was fucking awesome, but only because he's acting the same way he always does. I keep laughing at him every time he yells, and I don't think that's a good thing. I feel like the Pavlovian dog; it's like we've just laughed for so long whenever Will Ferrell raises his voice that now we have to do it.

Still, lots of funny parts. Vince Vaugn pretty much saves the movie. "IT WAS MY FIRST ASIAN!" So was it a total loss? No, not really. Would I see it again? Probably not. Am I a total douche for writing a movie review in a blog? Irreversibly.

Now I have to go paint. Homo things.