The Cinematic Baseball All-Star Team

1) Alejandro Heddo, Rookie of the Year
I was originally going to list Heddo as just “Fat Mets Hitter,” but I decided I’d do some actual research and look up his name. It’s really not important, though, since this character was the inspiration for the on-field antagonist in pretty much every baseball movie ever: fat, dirty, loud-mouthed, terrifyingly awesome. The best part about Heddo is the fact that you know that in the months before the movie was made, the casting director was watching a Phillies game, saw John Kruk step up to the plate, and said “YES! Get me that man!” Also, kudos to the writers for casting a white guy as a player named “Alejandro.” That’s laziness.

2) Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn, Major League
Dominating fastball combined with something that very few other movie pitchers have – an almost-believable delivery. To go off on a tangent, actors in baseball movies always manage to destroy the viewer’s suspension of belief – they always wear their pants too tight, or their socks too high, or helmets with two ear flaps, or they just look wrong. For example, here’s a skill I bet all of you have without even knowing it. If you enter a room and a National League baseball game is playing on TV on the other side of the room, even if you’re too far away to identify any of the players, you’ll still be able to tell when a pitcher is hitting. Why? He just looks wrong. Most MLB pitchers spend at least a couple of hours per week hitting, and they still can’t pull off the illusion of normalcy. Most actors get handed a bat and told “Here – look menacing.” Sheen at least looks kind of like he belongs out there, which is nice. Also, on the subject of Vaughn, if anyone ever went directly from the California Penal League to professional sports, you know he would immediately become a superstar. There’s hope for you yet, Marcus Vick.

3) Roy Hobbs, The Natural
Pluses: Supposedly one of the most talented players in the history of baseball. Minuses: 1) The believability factor. Robert Redford isn’t really reminding anyone of Ted Williams out there. 2) A critical part of Hobbs’ rise to fame was striking out “The Whammer,” which is probably the least intimidating baseball nickname ever. We also never get really to see Hobbs play defense, and based on his girlish throwing arm in the movie’s final scene, that may be for the best.

4) Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (young form), The Sandlot
Under most circumstances I would have to choose the older Benny, since he already plays in the major leagues. However, Old Benny is a pinch runner, which in the dugout hierarchy is generally just above bat boy. Also, he gives the press box an extremely Ace-and-Gary-esque “thumbs up” gesture immediately after his climactic steal of home. That sort of thing doesn’t exactly command respect in the clubhouse. Meanwhile, Young Benny hits a baseball so hard he destroys it at the age of around 12, something that it took Roy Hobbs until his late thirties to do.

5) Jack Elliot, Mr. Baseball
Elliot’s understanding of team play would be an important addition to a team filled with selfish superstars. He’s also apparently pretty strong, as he singlehandedly carried the most predictable plot in the history of film. Also, in the movie, the Yankees replaced him with Frank Thomas, who in 1992 was quite the impressive young prospect, so he must have been pretty good.

6) Pedro Cerrano, Major League
Pluses: Was later elected President of the United States. Minuses: A little eccentric, and as a Cuban defector you probably can’t be sure of his exact age. Still, it’s Dennis Haysbert. As if playing Cerrano wouldn’t get him free drinks for life, he also starred as “The Hammer” in Mr. Baseball and, obviously, David Palmer. Dennis Haysbert could play pedophiles for the rest of his career and strangle a puppy on live TV and I would still ask him to sign my girlfriend’s chest if I saw him in public.

7) Bobby Rayburn, The Fan
So Wesley Snipes plays a hugely hyped San Francisco Giants leftfielder with an up-and-down relationship with his fans, and then his fans finally turn on him after his career goes south due to an unfortunate leg injury. Huh. Rayburn edges out Major League’s Willie Mays Hayes due to the fact that he can actually hit.

8) Steve Nebraska, The Scout
An impressive hitter with a 100-mph fastball, it would be difficult to leave Nebraska off any All-Star team. Kind of a head case, but if Barry Bonds can keep his job, then the guy who pitched a perfect game in the World Series can too.

9) Air Bud, Air Bud 4: Seventh Inning Fetch
Uday Hussein had three copies of Air Bud movies in his private film collection. If that doesn’t scream that Air Bud belongs on this team, I don’t know what does.

Manager: Walter Matthau, The Bad News Bears
Watching Joe Torre decompose on the bench every October since I was twelve has taught me one thing: the easiest way to manage a successful baseball team is to have enormous, saggy jowls and an unnecessarily morose expression all the time. In other words, Matthau should win 100 games with this team.