Warning Signs: When to Start Worrying About Your Friend

"What’s going on, man? It’s been a long time; I was just calling to say hi. Heather and I have been really busy with the new place. We finally finished picking out new carpet for the living room – the place looks awesome now. After our trip to the museum last week, we picked up some poster prints and they’re up on the walls, along with the family photos.

“Moving in together with Heather was really the right decision, although it’s really a compromise having someone else in the house all the time. It’s tough to get used to lighting a candle after I take a dump, and she always moves my stuff around. I had to spend twenty minutes the other day looking for my scarf.

“But there are some pluses – she makes these awesome low-fat breakfast burritos every Saturday morning. My diet is so healthy with her around. I haven’t been in shape like this since I was wrestling in college, especially since my injury last week – I was using the thigh abductor machine and I think I strained something. I might actually have to go see a doctor. I can’t be out of commission for too long, though – it’s almost summer, and I’m really out of beach shape. I’ve been using the Foreman Grill for all our meat, too, but that doesn’t seem to be working – maybe I’m going to actually have to throw some vegetables on there once in a while.

“The other great thing about living together is that we’re really saving money. We managed to sock away a few thousand dollars, and we’re thinking about doing some traveling in the next couple of months – going up to Canada or maybe even Europe.

“Still, we should really get together sometime. Heather told me there’s a great new independent film we should see, and if that doesn’t work they have improv comedy down there on Thursday nights. You should bring a girl and the four of us can go down there together – a little double date kind of thing. Or if you want to do something more laid back, you could just pick up a bottle of wine and we could have a little dinner party at our place with some fondue.

“Another thing I’d been meaning to talk to you about – I finally quit my job. I spent a long time talking to my parents about it first and finally got up the nerve. The commute was killing me, and it was taking me forever to get there in that new hybrid car. I was spending almost two hours a day on the road. My therapist told me listening to classical music in the car was going to help me relax, but even that started getting old after a couple of weeks. It finally got so bad that I didn’t have time do any reading unless I was taking a dump.

“That’s one of the other things I really miss, you know? I like having quiet time to myself, and since Heather moved in I really haven’t had much of that. Come to think of it, I haven’t had any at all lately. She’s driving me nuts, man. She’s even talking about having kids. I mean, I hate using condoms as much as the next guy, but that’s a minefield I’m not willing to walk through yet, you know?

“So yeah, things aren’t going so well lately. I think it’s time to kick back with a light beer and have a long, hot bath. Anyway, thanks.

I just felt like I had to talk about it.”